The Time of the Static

"I always thought you were a dick"

2006-10-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

I have heard that phrase manyt imes in my life. I haven't yet pin pointed a reason as to why. It's either due to my social anxiety, my shyness, my inability to make or enjoy crappy small talk, or that I used to walk around campus with headphones on. Whatever the cause most people find that I am, in fact, not that much of a dick when they get to know me.

Yes, I know that I am a bit of a dick from time to time and I can be more of a bastard a lot. But, in general, people find that I am a pretty likebale guy when they get a chance to find out more about me. I guess I can take a little stock in that.

On the hand, have you ever met one of those people that seems to know everyone and, at first glance, everyone seems to like them? But once you talk to people about them or get to know them you realize they are just huge bullshitters? Like they have a wicked Eddie Haskel vibe and no one really considers them a friend? They know everybody but don't really know anyone? Those people?

You know. Dicks. Bitches. Whatever you want to call them. People with emotional problems, usually, who desperately want everyone to like them but do the bare minimum to actually know people or gain their trust and loyalty.

I can't stand people like that. Pretty much I live my life in a way that people know when I want to know them because I find things out about them and remember those things. If I don't know you, I don't know you. I feel a little lucky that I will not die with a few people wondering whether we were friends or not.

I am not your rolling wheels

2006-10-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to grit my teeth and save for a new car. I figured out a monthly budget that should allow me to place a grand into savings a month. Over the next 6 months allowing me to save the required 6 thousand I need to put 10-15k down on a new car. With my decent credit and my crappy car as trade I think I can finance a new car, priced around 23-24 thousand, for about $350 a month on a 36 months plan at around 8% interest rate.

The 2 cars I am looking to test drive would be the new Civic Si and the brand spanking new Mazdaspeed3.

Now the Civic is a very well reviewed car. I have ridden in a couple new Civics (no Si's) and have found them to have a level of fit and finish and build quality belaying their retail value. I like the looks of the standard models quite a bit and the looks of the Si even more. The 197 bhp 2.0 liter four with is very tempting. Honda makes strong large bore 4 cylinders and I have always thought it might be cool to drive a high revving car for once. The included 6 speed tranny is something of a rarity in this price market. All in all a very cool and well revied car that has been on my list since it's release last year.

Now for everything that excites me about the Si, the 3 ups the anty to an almost pre-pubescent orgasm level.

The regular Mazda 3 5 door is a car I have been eye-ing for a few years now. I really like the looks and value of them. I have a thing for hatches, especially, quick hatches. So the Mazdaspeed version is prety much everything I am looking for.

268 hp 2.3L 4 cyclinder with direct injection?

Check.

14.5 psi of turbocharged boost?

Check.

6 speed manual transmission?

Check.

18 inch wheels?

Check.

Limited slip differential and traction control?

Check.

All for 23k?

Check.

I jave fell in love. All I need is the test drive and the required cash and I will have to buy one.

No question.

The budget allows me a conservative level of money per month for food AND gas AND spnending while allowing me to put away the required 250 month to add up to the one grand level I need while giving me a $185 dollar buffer of left over money a month in case I need to buy something extra.

Should work if I pursue due diligence.

For the ability to drive a turbo car again? I will jump through more hoops.

A newfound interest in Massachusetts

2006-10-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

So I have made a timeline. A date at which I will start looking for new employment if my current job hasn't changed. Not that there is anything wrong with my current job. My boss reads this blog from time to time so I feel the need to elaborate.

It is more that as I quickly approaching that magic state of age known as "30" I feel the need to mold my life and career into something of significance. So, as the demise of X's remakes my current employment at Nickelodeon into soemthing of a flux state I tend to start thinking of the future. I am currently holding down to jobs here at Nick: digitla effects artist and assistant recording studio engineer. Keeps me pretty busy.

The rub being I do not know how long until the effects team ramps back up with another show requiring the amount of work the X's did. I do not know if it ever will. I also never planned on pursuing an audio engineer or editor as a career. I was confident to leave that to fine folks I know like TeaCake and ResidentGirlfriend.

I have to think about maybe leaving this holy grail of places of employment and seek out a path somewhere else. Maybe give up animation in general and go the post house route.

Who knows?

I have given myself 6 months to see how Nick is shaping up and decided from there.

The level of uncertainty in my life as of now has led me to once again question my being here. In California. How well would I be doing if I had moved to Boston in 2003 and went about freelanceing as an Illustrator?

How well would I do if I did that now?

Seems like a crazy idea. Then again so did up and moving to California in 2003 with nowhere to live and no contacts. And that worked out after a while.

All I am saying is, this seems to be some crazy transition period in my life. Don't get all freaked out if I am gone, living somewhere else, in a couple years. You never know what's going to happen. Hell, I didn't think my life would be where it is now this time last year. I think I was just trying to stay awake after working 12 hours.

throwing eyes of copper

2006-10-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

So a friend of mine, who shall be nameless, is going through something rather hard and perosnal right now. So personal in fact that the number of people who know what is actually going on can be counted on perhaps one hand. This friend is very dear to my heart. If anyone who knows me have ever heard me talk about him I usually make mention of my want to run through walls if asked. That's how much I owe this guy.

Anyway, I still am not on the list of people who have known him for very long. Luckily there are others who do not know. We enact a kind of council of concern for our friend.

I have been respectful of the fact that this guy doesn't want people to know right now and has aksed for privacy. So I haven't pushed around looking for the answer. In fact, some poeple close to me know and I haven't yet bothered them for info. I know it will come out whenever the time is right and then I'll understand.

My problem is some gossipy fucks I know from work know. Because they seemingly can't stay out of shit that's none of their godammed business, claiming "concern" for their "friend" who I have heard badmouthed by them on occasion. This angers me because people can't bew fucking respectful to someone they claim to be friends with AND these people who are not good people and should not know jack about this situation know over people who have been friend with this person for upwards of 8-10 years.

Know this you gossip mongering whores.

If I find out you told anyone else...

If this spreads around without my friend's consent because of you...

I will cut your fucking tongues out. Don't tempt me. I'm way crazier than most people give me credit for.

look what happened

2006-09-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

So my friend, EmoGuy, left town.

Finally after years of talking about it, he left Rochester to pursue the final leg of his higher education at SUNY Stonybrook outside NYC. And I couldn't be happier.

I met Jer shortly before I left college. He was a new friend to some of my old friends in my home town. I kept hearing about how I had to meet this "Doofey" kid. That we'd get along. We met and get along we did. Mostly because Jer was actually interested in talking about books and comics and movies over the normal discourse I would have with my friends. Not to say that my friends are not intellectual, hardly the case, but Jer goes a bit beyond that and I enjoyed convewrsing with him over a beer or two.

When I first met Jer he didn't drink. He would occassionally, if the mood struck, buy a 12 pack of something girly like Mike's Hard Lemonade or some Orange alco-pop and drink the entire case. And then puke. It was a cycle which we all enjoyed.

After he turned 21, he found Lady Alcohol and also Jesus. Which was nice that I could chat with him at the pub over a pint though I often had to chastise him for bringing religion into the fray. See, I love a good theological discussion now and again but not over beers and not when one person is trying to convert me. Or wake me up as I am a lasped Catholic? Well, whatever.

I think at some point something replaced Jesus in Jer's life. Emo? Pussy? Pursuit of a better job and a better running car.

Jer is one of the people I have kept best contact with since moving to California. Mainly due to his use of computers and the internet. AIM makes a great substitute for long distance phone calls. And he is the only one who has visited me in LA. Albeit he was out here for a family obligation but he did make the bus trek from Monterey to Hollywood to hang for a few days before flying back east.

I was excited to no end when Jer started attending the local community college shortly before I left Rochester. His brain is just too big and thirsty for knowledge, like on oversized Brawny paper towel wadded into his head, for him to not pursue higher learning.

As you can imagine, the fact that his academic pursuits have gone as far as to take him away from Rochester to a real "sleep-over" school is a much bigger deal to me. I alway saw great promise in Jer as a writer (his chosen exercise) yet the drudgery and malaise of Rochester often cut him short. I understand, looking back, how hard it is to spend time writing when you work 40 hours a week during the summer and want to spend your precious few hours off and awake out in the nice weather. I also understand how even the winter, which would be a great excuse to spend days cooped up and writing can leadn to the dreaded cabin fever and force a body out of doors to cope with "real life" for a while. I also understand the problems of having friends whose dreams are far more plebian and they strive for homeownership and boat ownership, side by side with a girl they will spend the rest of their lives with. They usually don't understand when you skip a bar jaunt to stay home and write or draw.

Now Jer is far from all that and able to spend more time in his chosen life pursuit but also surrounded more by people who are doing quite the same thing. I am glad. As I said earlier, Jer has great promise as a writer, I have alwasy seen that. But liek I always told him, you need to finihs more things to know how good you truly can be. That applies to me. It applies to him. It applies to life in general.

So, here's to you, Jeremy Taylor. Go find that life we've always talked about. Like I said all those few years ago in the back of an El Camino or on the shore of a great lake (or wherever it was) if I never see you again and you are off chasing your dreams it will make me just as happy as if you were right down the block.

We're always a phone call away.

Fuck you, Ray Kroc

2006-08-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

So I have been on a kick lately trying to eat a bit more health consciously than I have been as of late. I lost a lot of weight after riding my bike to work, post DUI, for 6 months. But then I got busy and got on a kick of eating out and eating often and, more importantly, eating bad. So, after a little scare with some gained weight (which turned out to be some weird fluke - like a weekend bought of water weight or a broken scale or something) I decided to get a little healthier.

So I've been feasting on things like yogurt for breakfast, protein energy bars, granola, fruit, veggie patties, and low fat frozen dinners. While still going to the gym.

I got sick over the last few weeks so my gym routine became sort of sporatic to non-existent for a time. But last night I dragged my loafy ass back down to Sherman Oaks for another go at muscle building routine.

After a failed trip to Box Bros. and a 45 minute commute from Burbank due to bad traffic on the 134 and bad driving decisions made by me and ToughChick, we finally made it to the gym. Late.

I worked out quick since I need to get back inot this slowly and not injure myself. I did my usual 20 minutes of running followed by 10 minutes of walking-while-waiting-for-ToughChick-to-finish-on-the-eliptical. Then proceeded with a good biceps routine. After I finished my last set of Preacher Curls and ToughChick finished her ab routine, we headed back to the car. I like to follow up my workouts with a refreshing Robek's smoothie on my way out of the Sherman Oaks Galleria. But it was so late that they were closed. Depriving me of the refreshment and nourishment I so craved.

After I dropped ToughChick off I struggled with the thought of cooking when I got home. It was rapidly approaching 10 pm at this point. I finally caved and stopped at the McDonald's drive-thru. I ordered some chicken nuggets because it's really the only thing I ever miss from Mickie D's menu and a shake for protein? Or something? I don't know I didn't feel like a soda.

While waiting in the line of cars to pay I dropped a dollar under the seat. While searching for it myf oot slipped off the brake and I rolled, very gently, into the car in front of me. The woman got out and so did I to inspect the damage. On her car, not mine. I don't care about my car at this point. She first tried to blame several scratches on me that were from above my bumper line. I icle ypointed out a tiny blemish that could be from me but would wash and buff out. She said we should exchange information. To which I was confused.

So we both paid for our food. I got out and handed her my insurance card. She tried to hand her's over and I refused.

"I don't need your info. I'm not going to file a claim for this."

I explained that if her deductible is anything over, say, 50 dollars that it would be foolish to file a claim for her. To which she answered:

"Oh I won't either. Just being safe."

I walked back to my car utterly confused.

I hit her going maybe 1 foot per minute. There was no actual damage to her car. Filing a claim would only result in her having to pay out of pocket and then her insurance premiums being raised. She had food in the car just like me that was getting colder by the moment. She had to bring said food home to her family. She admitted to the uselessness of filing a claim with the insurance company. Yet she still had us pull over and exchange info?

Why?

Why not just go home?

So after that I drove home and parallel parked on my street. While doing so my hand slipped off the gear shift and punched the shake in my cup holder. Spraying chocolate shake all over the interior of my car. So I parked behind my buidling, ran in the drop off my stuff, grabbed paper towels and Armorall and cleaned the inside of my car. Mainly in an effort to not have my car smell like melted ice cream and rotten milk this morning.

I finally got to eat my food at 10 oclock and it was cold.

After that I gave up and watched Arrested Development Seasn 3 in bed until I fell asleep.

Huh?

2006-08-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

I was standing on my balcony last night, minding my own business, when a pigeon flew up, landed on the railing, took a dump, and then flew away.

There's always been tons of pigeon poop on our balcony railing. We just learn to live with it. But the fact that it seemed like a bir flew up specifically to take a dump on the railing is disconcerting. Especially because I was standing right there. Almost like the pigeon did it out of spite.

LA livin' mixed with Cristal sippin'

2006-08-17T16:10:00.000-07:00

HA.

16ozTallBoy had something on his myspace page about how he couldn't stand people who's myspace photos are headshots.

Obviously I am laughing at it. Not because it bothers me. Well, actually it does a little. That's why I am writing this.

No, it's making me laugh because I know a guy who has headshots as his myspace photos. And, yes, I find that to be a little douchebaggy. Sorry. I know I have a few actor friends and maybe I'll step on their toes with this. But usually the talented ones don't feel the need to pimp themselves out at every turn.

Not like I am any better. My myspace picture, at the moment, is me dressed up as Han Solo at Comicon with a gun pointed at my head while ToughChick wonders what the hell is wrong with me. 4 hours of sleep and 7 jager and redbulls! That's what's wrong with me!

Anyhoo.

There's a very strange dynamic in Los Angeles. Centered around actors, struggling actors, and wannabe actors. Hell, even people with stupid hidden dreams of becoming famous through acting. People have headshots. They look for agents. They pimp themselves out constantly. They schmooze. They go places they might not normally go just to possibly meet someone who could maybe give them a job if they impress them enough with their witty anecdotes and false sense of charm and sincerity.

Sometimes it makes me gag to hear people talk like that. Maybe I am too blue collar. Maybe I think too much on the American ideal of hard work paying off in the end. Maybe I will go nowhere and these fakes will go somewhere? Possibly. As Kevin Smith said here in Hollywood people, "fail upward." But I have to doubt these people will go very far. Not because I think I am imminently talented. I mean I have some gifts that others don't. I thank the cosmos for that. But I have a bit more determination, self worth, and drive to ever let fake people outdo me. Maybe that is childish. Maybe not. But it's that and my overwhelming hatred and fear of complacency that keep me going and motivated when others fail or fallback.

I think back to a time when a couple people I know talked about getting headshots. Keep in mind neither of them are actors. I asked why and they said, "in case something comes up." Like in LA people get gigs walking around on the street? I know that's the dream for yokels in Arkansas. But does it actually happen? No. Why bother paying for headshots? Are you planning on going to casting calls? Do you have a talent agent? No. Then why pay the money? What good would it do?

They mentioned doing commercials as if that is easier than any other kind of acting. At the time I knew nothing of the business. Now I know very little more; just based off some of my friend's experiences who are working actors doing commercials. It's about the least easy gig to get. Casting calls number in the 1000's. And you have to be very "on" and have a lot of charisma to get the parts. Not just some cute girl or something.

There's just a very strange reaching and grasping for stardom in LA that bothers me now and again. The fakeness you see from people trying to move upward. They desperation in their laugh. It's sad really.

I hope I never give into it. Though, at some point, I probably will.

EDIT: HollywoodPhony mentioned that commercials are cake as he has done a few. I do not mean ACTING in the commercials is hard. I mean getting cast in them, especially the coveted national spots, are hard.

100 Bullets

2006-08-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

Ever read that comic? No? Oh well. Here's the gist. The really simple gist. Don't go comic nerding on me that I left stuff out.

Some shady dude brings you a gun and 100 untraceable tbullets and tells you you can kill someone and the law will leave you alone.

Would you do it? Who would you kill?

Normal people can't think of anyone. Some people can think of someone they'd maybe like to graze. Others can think of someone they like to off without consequence. I can think of 3.

Mac Pro

2006-08-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

So the Apple WWDC (or World Wide Developers Conference for the non-Apple-Techies) and everyone has been speculating for a few weeks of what new products would be announced. Would it be the rumored Smart Phone? Would it be the phantom widescreen touch screen video iPod? Would it be a 12" or 14" MacBook?

Sorry, guys. None of the above. Of course you know this, if like me, all you do is read tech websites and listen to tech podcasts at work.

Apple announced the features and improvements of its next operating system: Leopard. I don't care about that. I don't own a Mac. Well, the inclusion of a new BootCamp with the OS does intrigue me as a PC user.

They also announced their new Intel based desktops...finally. All the rumors were correct. They were waiting on the new Core 2 based chips from Intel to be released. The new Mac desktop takes a firm stand as a workstation computer; leaving the normal computing strata to the iMac and Mac mini. The new box is powered by Core 2 based dual dual-core Xeon workstation chips in speeds from dual 2 Ghz to 3 Ghz. Which intrigues me greatly.

I use a dual 3 Ghz Xeon machine here at work. Albeit, the old single core chipset. And the rendering power is so much stronger than my AMD64 FX I have at home. It's really nice to see Mac taking a leap forward in computing technology. Not only are these new Intel chips fast as hell but use less power and run way fucking cooler than their predecessors (not to mention the G5 chips which were apparently forged on the sun or something). This means that Apple can have more drive space in the machines which was previously taken up by cooling. Now they can have dual optical drives and 4 hard drives. This really finally makes this product into a true workstation instead of the pro-sumer type workstation the G5 always was.

So will I get one?

Yeah, if I win the lottery!

I was a Mac guy since I was 13. Used them at home, at school, in college and after. I owned a Mac and used them at work until about a year ago. I needed a new computer at home to work on and wanted something strong enough to play modern video games. I built an AMD home workstation/gaming rig and sold off my modified G4. I got rid of the G4 at work as soon as I started doing effects work in favor of solely using my dual Xeon machine. Can't beat dual workstation chips, 3 gigs of RAM, and a Nvidia workstation vid card.

If I had all the money in the world I would own many computers. Probably a high end gaming rig, a PC workstation for 3D and compositing, a Mac desktop for Final Cut and Pro Tools, a Mac laptop, and possibly a Mac min with a small LCD in the kitchen for everyday internet tasks.

But I don't have all the money in the world. I spec'd out a new Mac Pro yesterday. Fully spec'd with dual 30" LCDs it cost about 16 grand. With the basic specs of what I'd want it was still over 4 grand. I know that I am getting a very powerful machine but, bear in mind, my AMD system cost 4 grand to build with more hard drive space, a 22" professional CRT monitor, studio monitor speakers, a bluetooth keyboard set, and a desk included in the price. Also my PC always remains upgradable. I have already got more hard drive space and upgraded to a better motherboard. In a year I can upgrade the processor if I wish, add more memory, upgrade the vid card. All things you cannot do on a Apple.

That's my main problem. I don't want to spend 4 grand and then have to spend it again in 2 years.

If Apple could drop prices I would change my tune. But they are the same as the boutique PC makes like Alienware and WidowPC that I also rip on for their high prices.

Until then I will continue to monitor the Apple world from the sidelines.

Too old for this shit

2006-08-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

I had a weird dream the other night. I was hanging on some kind of scaffold meets windchime meets window-washing-platform and disfusing a bomb hanging from a skyscraper. My partner was none other than Danny Glover. And we were in the future. I guess. I'm not exactly sure. Danny was wearing some strange outfit where he had a silver hood that was not attached to any sort of jacket. Like a hooded sweatshirt if you cut the sweatshirt part off. Just a silver hood. That alone leads to believe we were in the future.

Comicon finally...

2006-08-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, fuck pictures. Most of them are crap anyway. I'll just give the fun rundown of what I did in San Diego a few weeks ago for the big Comicon International.

I left LA at 9 am. Traffic down the 5 wasn't too bad and I made it to SD around 11:45. Tried to check into the Hyatt but no rooms were ready. Though Carlos Ramos, creator of The X's, got a room right away. Guess I'm not good enough for the Hyatt management. Ever heard of a little show called Spongebob? Spongebob Squarepants? Well, I animate the road on the show...from time to time...when they ask me...and my boss tells me to do it...ahem.

Anyhoo, I went to the convention floor for a bit to wait out my room. Bypassed the losers who didn't pre-register and checked out the goings-on. Passed by the Nickelodeon booth to say hello. Walked around the floor a bit. I brought my Han Solo costume to wear on Saturday but Friday was Star Wars day and there was too many SW costumes on the floor for me to not bust out Han. So, after I got the call that my room was ready and I lugged all my luggage up to my room, I showered and threw on the garb of a Corellian smiggler.

Spent the rest of the day walking around the floor, taking pictures with random folks who asked. This was a bit srange at first but after the 3rd or 4th I got used to it. Ran into some guys from one of the nerd forums I frequent, all dressed as Anakin from Revenge of the Sith.

I attended the Bruce Timm retrospective and soaked up genius and humility for an hour. Learned that Mr. Timm will be doing Death of Superman for WB soon. Which jazzes me to no end.

I bailed a little early and took a nap then headed down to the Master Replicas party at the Westin. It was a nice shindig. Free food, one free drink, lightsaber fights, etc. Mr. David Prowse, who you average folks may know as The Guy Who Was In The Darth Vader Suit, was there. It was pretty cool. Drank some beers and ate some beef. Got a text from ToughChick that some people I don't like and hoped wouldn't show up had arrived and were at dinner with the Nick folks. I contemplated going back to the hotel after I met some people. However the aforementioned "stains" left the dinner so I met up with the Nick people ate a Mexican place by the Horton plaza.

We went back to the hotel and partied at The Top of the Hyatt with some other Nick people, creators, and important types. Good times. WithOneF and I ventured downtown to get a drink at last call with some people he knew, tried to find an after hours place, and then contemplated going to Tijuana. Instead we drank some bourbon I had and then chain smoked until 5 am.

4 hours later I wake up and don Han again and head off to make the Lost panel at 10:30. The lines are already ridiculous for registration and the floor is already what could be called busy at 10 am. The day only got worse. After returning from the Lost panel the floor was packed. I stayed around the MR booth waiting on Dano. He never showed and I left to go to the Nickelodeon panels. Dan would later inform me he was in line for tickets for 3 hours. I helped hand out free Avatar t-shirts exposing my body to harm and then ToughChick and I headed to the Veronica Mars panel.
After the panel I spent some time on the floor and toalked with Donna, the head of the SoCal Rebel Legion group, who I had met the night before at the MR party.

WithOneF got a reservation at Flemings so I headed back to the hotel to rest up and clean up before heading out. WithOneF, ToughChick, her friend, and I had a great steak dinner at Flemings and then crashed the Disney Channel Jetix party at some cheesy club in the Gaslamp. I slammed a few drinks during the last half hour of free drinks; scaring the shit out of ToughChick. Hey, I can't pass up free drinks. Not to mention people I don't like were there. Usually makes me drink a bit more.

After the party we hung out with Carlos and his girlfriend downstairs from the cheesy bar in another cheesier bar until around 1 am. We all went home and got horrible night's sleep. I woke up about 4 hours after closing my eyes to clean up and check out in time to see a panel at 10:30. I didn't make the panel in favor of going slowly. Hit the floor, took some pics, saw some panels, felt like I might die at any moment. WithOneF and me got some pub food in the Gaslamp. Then we hung out in the Nick booth and eventually went to work as we felt bad sitting back there while everyone else worked. We helped them pack up and then got something to eat at a Mexican place.

WithOneF formulated a awesome driving plan; forgoing the 5 for the 15 to the 210 and I got home in about 2 hours. Well, I was driving about 90 the whole way home. Needless to say I did not recover, sleepwise, for another week.

Yay, Comicon! I'll be back next year. Probably for the full 4 days. Why not?

You're an idiot

2006-08-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

You know what I always find completely ridiculous?

Cmon guess?

No, not midichlorians. Fuck you.

Guys who are willing to completely uproot their lives for a girl. I know I am not the best spokesperson for this campaign. But whatever. I am a hypocrit. I admit it. Daily. I know that I have thrown away a few good relationships due to my unwillingness to settle or change in any way, shape, or form. I know that I have made mistakes and messed up relationships in the past because of girls. But none of that matters.

The truth of my statement is still resounding. I think it's ridiculous when guy's throw away their lives for chicks.

I wish I could say I felt differently but I don't. Guys who can actually end long lasting friendships, alienate people, ditch buddies, and generally disappear off the face of the earth for some pussy makes me sick.

Have a fucking backbone, you slug.

Nothing lasts forever. Especially codependant relationships where one party (or both) are willing to give up their intended existence to coddle up to someone else's. Let me tell you, because I pay attention to things like this, that shit always ends. Badly. Long and drawn out badly. Usually sucking other people into its wake.

Are you prepared for that buddy? Is the pussy sweet enough for that? When it's all said and done and you don't have anything left to do on Friday nights, will it be all worth it? When you have to try and reconcile with friends you hurt, will it be worth it? When you have to try and reacquaint yourself with people you alienated, will it be worth it? When your life is never the same, will it be worth it then?

No, it won't. You can lie and say there were all these good times. But you'd be a liar. A lying liar.

Let me tell you this. That's all that happens with these kinds of relationships. You throw your normal life away for this girl. You do nothing but hang around her. Your life becomes her. You lose friends. Relationships fade. People go on with their lives. All the while you are with this chick. You think its pretty good because you are getting some and don't have to worry about living for yourself.

Then she leaves. Maybe she goes crazy. Maybe she cheats on you; most likely with someone you know. Usually one of your friends or a co-worker who is exciting and new and fun. Since all the fun and excitement was sucked out of you by her pussy vacuum months ago.

You break up. It sucks. You have no life left. Your friends, if they will still talk to you or you still know where to find them, all have their own shit going on. They treat you like you came back from the dead. And rightly so. You were dead.

Maybe you get back together with the girl for a bit.

Maybe you sleep together for some mutual company.

Maybe not.

Either way, eventually you completely part ways with this chick who has been your only means of life for a long time. And now you have nothing. You crawl back to your old haunts, to your old friends. You try and patch things up with people. Maybe it works. Usually it does. But with a large amount of mistrust on the other side. I mean, fuck, think of their position. You did this once. What's going to stop you from doing it again?

Nothing will ever be the same. Stop thinking it will be. You made this choice. You dug this grave.

You did this once. Who's to say you won't do it again?

And you will. Because, buddy, you are an idiot.

I hate snakes, Chewie!

2006-08-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know. I've flaked on the Comicon stuff. It's been about 9 million degrees in LA and I've company staying in my place and I haven't felt much like truning on the computer. At some point I will, maybe this weekend. Since I'm fucking broke. Anyway, here's a taste:

nothing that breathes is above betrayal

2006-08-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

Man, I am tired. I got about 4 hours of sleep on Saturday night. Spent Sunday mostly running around. Saw Miami Vice on Sunday night instead of going to sleep early. Me and Quellish took ToughChick and her roomate out for their joint birthday last night to Palms Thai. So I, once again, forgoed a long night's sleep.

Nice to say that my lack of sleep is purely a logistical screw up instead of some emotionally charged bout of insomnia. For the first time in a while.

There's still a lot of bullshit being flung around and alot of double talk and lying. Luckily I am not part of it. I have weirdly skirted around all current drama even as it sucks in more of my friends. ToughChick likened it to those cartoon clouds of dust that happen when characters fight; where more and more people and things get sucked into the fray.

Honestly at this point I am being honest with myself and my friends so I feel no need to worry. If people want to throw blind punches hoping to hit someone, go ahead and waste your time. If people want to ignore the facts, go ahead and dig a grave. IF people want depserately to find someone else to blame whilst being laughed at for their efforts, go ahead and point fingers.

I'll be at home watching V for Vendetta and falling in and out of sleep. You know the number.

Worst survey ever

2006-07-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

My friend, HollywoodPhony, wrote me a very mean spirited survey just to shake things up. It's awesome and I will answer truthfully...or dodge the questions. Whatever I feel like, basically.

Here we go:

1.) How many times have you missed out on having sex
with a girl because of Star Wars or Lord of the Rings?
Please include all instances in your tally, both
explicit and implicit.

As crazy as it may seem: Never. I actually got a girl's number once after talking about LOTR at a bar and was told I looked hot in both my Anakin and Han Solo costumes by girls that most men would deem attractive.

I guess that during the 13 hours I spent watching all the extended LOTR movies I could have met a girl and had sex with her. But any tramp who would have sex with a guy only hours after they first meet is trouble anyway. The kind of trouble I like!

Actually, I stopped talking to a girl, who I bought a drink for, after she listed Star Wars and Simpsons as her two favorite things. Here's the kicker: she followed that up with a third: God. I got the fuck out of there! I'm more of a 1. Star Wars 2. Simpsons 3. Satan kind of guy. Just because of the alliteration really.

2.) How many times have you missed out on having sex
with a girl because you told her, "Nice stripper
shoes"?

Just once. Though I also missed out on the clap.

A better question would be: How many times have I missed out on sex because I didn't have any condoms?

3.) How many girls have you had sex with? (Don't say
more than 3 or we'll know you're lying)

You want me to say it? Ok. Here it is world! I lost my virginity last year at the ripe old age of 26. There I said it. Thanks for that Eric. So my count is up to 2 now.

The more pertinent question would be how many girls have YOU had sex with in the last 9 months? Huh, Eric. Who's funny now?

4.) Do you regret getting your tattoo yet? No? Really?
OK. What's your favorite color, then?

My favorite color is cyan blue and my tattoo is boss.

5.) How many of your close friends' exes have you had
sex with?

I would say I don't have any close friends. So...none. Take that!

A better question would be to ask me how many married women I have had intimate relations with.

6.) Enough sex questions, how many times have you
jerked off to fantasies involving your close friends?

I've jerked off thinking about girls I was friends with. So...four...girls. The amount of masturbation would be too hard to count.

7.) How come you enjoy writing about your close
friends and how pissed off you are at them in your
blog? Doesn't that seem kind of passive-aggressive?

It's super passive aggressive. If I could say these things to their face I'd be a lot happier and have a lot less friends. I have decided to just shut up.

8.) C'mon, you don't think Star Wars is even a little
gay?

Not as gay as the hobbits in LOTR. Or say...DISNEYLAND!!

That's an inside joke, Disney lawyers. Eric loves Disneyland. I have nothing against the Happiest Place in California. Please don't sure me for libel.

9.) A gun is to your head. Do you take the bullet or
make out with Pickles for half an hour after he's been
running outside in the heat and eating dogfood? Also,
it's an invisible gun, you know it's real and it will
kill you, but no one else will see it so to us it's
just gonna look like you were all over Pickles?

I think I'd have to die. Sorry Jody.

10.) Did you know that by reading this survey, you are
legally taking possession of my roommate's dog? Cuz
you are and now he's yours. Enjoy!

My landlord doesn't allow dogs. I'll just do what you lame fucks couldn't and let him go up in the hills. Or shoot him like Old Yeller. Except I'm not crying over this pooch!!

uncomfortable!!

2006-07-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

Uncomfortable Survey:

-Longest relationship:
Rachelle back in high school. 6 long months.

-Shortest relationship:
ThePrincess. About 2 weeks.

-How many people have you broken up with?
2. One I lied to and spred her. The other I was truthtful and hurt her.

-How many times have you truly been in love?
I don't know if I have. I said I was in love with Rachelle in high school but I think it was more that young person lust that consumes you.

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?
Just one: Rachelle. There was a drunk slut from Buffalo who told me she loved me after like 2 hours of making out in a dance club. I doubt she really meant it.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?
I can't say I had stupid thoughts of it. Recently being tricked into thinking it. But, in reality, I have a lot to get done before I settle down.

-Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt?
Yes.

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Twice I think. Seeing girls cry is the worst thing. Making them cry is worse than that.

-Have you ever cried over a boyfriend or girlfriend?
A few times, yeah. One time was a combo of heartache and falling off a tractor and ladning on my sprained wrist.

-Are you happy being single or in relationships?
Someone told me once, "Chris. You're just not made for holding on." I think she was right. For the time being...

-Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?
I have never cheated on someone I was commited to. I have, though, messed around with other people while in the first stage of dating someone.

-Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes. Again: Rachelle.

-Worst relationship?
There's on that comes to mind that wasn't even a real relationship. So I'll go with Rachelle again. She messed up my perception of a lot of things in life and about myself that took me a while to figure back out.

-Have you ever broken someones heart?
A couple girls have told me I did. HeartBreaker forgave me. Not sure about the other ones.

-Do you talk to any of your exes?
No. I also live a very far distance away from where they all live. Well, I still talk to ToughChick but I don't really think of her as an ex.

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?
Ooo, good one. No, I honestly wouldn't. It would turn out the same way again. People don't change that much. They adapt, they lean a little to one side. We all just play parts. People who don't work one time are pretty much not meant to work.

-Do you think any of your exes feel the same way?
I don't know what any of them think about me. I wonder what a few think. But the others are so outside my realm of possibilities.

-What is your ideal boyfriend or girlfriend?
I wish I knew. Someone who leaves me a lot and hurts me apparently. I think I crave turmoil in relationships because it keeps things new and fresh?

-Have you dated people who were not good to you?
Not in a really outward way. I've dated people who did some fucked up shit or convinced me of things that weren't neccessarily true.

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?
Not in the least.

-Name your most memorable ex you have had:
JerseyGirl. I always liked talking to her. She never did anything bad to me. I just fucked it all up. So I still think of her fondly.

-Have you dated someone older than you?
Once.

-Younger?
2 or 3 others have been younger.

-What is one thing that all of your exes had in common?
Brunettes, Meditteranean, usually crazy, always funny.

-Who are the top two most attractive exes that you have dated?
#2 - ThePrincess. Don't know what it is about her but I was drawn to her physically.
#1 - don't worry about it.

-Have you ever cried yourself to sleep over a boyfriend or girlfriend?
no.

-When is the last time that you were in a relationship?
I have dated a few people over the past few years. Nothing long term.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Not everyone. Including me.

-Believe in love at first sight?
No. Just strong attraction.

-Ever dated two people at once?
Once.

-Ever been given a promise ring?
No.

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?
No.

-Do you want to get married?
Not sure. Ask me again in 5 years.

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?
It bounces between, "I'm sorry," and "Fuck you," depending on the girl in question.
Specifically? Thanks for selling me out. Glad I helped you two get back together.

-Ever stolen someones boyfriend or girlfriend?
Kind of. ThePrincess broke up with her boyfriend after cheating on him with me. I was the rebound guy for 2 weeks. But it's not like I actively stole anyone. Still fucked up on my part even still.

-Ever liked someone elses boyfriend or girlfriend?
Often.

-Do you believe in true love?
I don't believe in truth.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
Does punch in the face feel as bad as IT sounds?

sleep upon sleep upon sleep...

2006-07-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

So I went to San Diego Comicon International this weekend. I'm not gonna get totally into it right now because that would take a while and I need to get pics off my camera. Basically I was at the Con for 3 days, got about 3 hours of sleep each night, and costumed half the day Friday and all day Saturday. I helped the Nick people pack up the booth after the Con on Sunday and we hung out in SD until 9 pm to avoid heavu traffic. Thanks to WithOneF's awesome suggestion of the 15 to the 210 we got home in a little over 2 hours instead of the 3-5 it tooks folks who drove the 5.

Needless to say I am exhausted. Still exhausted in fact even after a couple nights of 6 hour sleep. 6 hours, you say? Well, it's been like 11 million degrees in SoCal this last few days. It took my A/C unit until sometime in the middle of the night to drop my room temperature down to something bearable. From the fun 93 when I got home from work.

I think I may require the rest of the week to recover from the blitz that was Comicon this year. Pics and stories soon, I promise. Just let me sleep...

Note: Sorry, for the veiled Dune reference in the title but I listened to an audio book of that in the car this weekend.

California rest in peace

2006-07-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

I moved out west in 2003. I had been living with my parents in my home town of Rochester, NY since graduating from art school in 2001. I had spent a year doing nothing but work-a-day job I acquired through friends and family. I had planned on moving to California in the spring of 2002 but circumstances prevented me from doing so.

In July of 2002 I got a job working at a design studio in Rochester; one of the largest in Western New York State in fact. It was a good gig though I learned quickly that your first few jobs after college people will treat you like yopu have no skills at all. Quite a shock to me since I was told by my college that the mere mention of 'rizdee' would usher me into the best jobs in the country. After graduating and being hit by 9-11 a few months later the economy in the smaller parts of the country was just not a great environment for those in the design industries.

Eventually, the company ran out of steady work and laid me off in March of 2003. I took this as an opportunity to make a change. I pestered my friend, Quellish, until he agreed to move out west with me. After a few months of quickly selling many tiems including my car, I flew out of Rochester and into LAX on May 21st 2003. It was like stepping into a whole new world.

The future seemed bright and I was happy. I figured this feeling wouldn't last. I knew it was just a matter of time until I replaced it with the jaded sensibilities of most of my new-found LA friends.

3 years, 8 jobs, 2 roomates, 2 apartments, hundreds of hours of lost sleep, and thousands of beers later I have realized I am now at that point. I'm not sure when it happened exactly but sometime recently LA has lost all it's Hollywood luster and has strictly become the place I live and work. I no longer feel giddy for living out here and have settled into a middling state of complacency about my surroundings.

I am stil very excited about the work I do. Don't get me wrong. It's pretty easy for me to come into work everyday and do my job. I help make cartoons for little kids at the #1 animation network. Not too shabby. It's a lack on excitement for where I live and what I do that is the problem. Maybe more time outside my comfort zone would help but it becomes easier and easier to remain within that sphere than to go without. I hate sitting in my apartment but at the same time I am lacking in new ways to get out of it.

Over the weekend Quellish talked about the possibility of moving to NYC in the winter if he's got no reason to stay here. I can't say I don't understand how he feels. I guess I would leave if I had anywhere else to go. Some days I think I should have taken that gaming job offer in Prague all those years ago. Even though it paid nothing and I would be halfway around the world. Some days I think I should just shut up.

Either way, the gold paint has finally chipped away from Los Angeles. The bright sun has bleached and cracked the fascade. Now I just walk normal streets and go to work and home again; still bitching about the cost of gas.

The Foot Fist Way

2006-06-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

I headed out to the LA Film Festival this weekend to see a movie I heard a lot about from a few of my friends.

It's called The Foot Fist Way. It's a comedy about a TaeKwondo instructor who's life kind of goes to shit over the course of the story. The thing is hilarious. The main character, Ron Simmons is played by Danny McBride. Any fans of David Gordon Green will remember Danny as Bustass from All The Real Girls. The film was written and directed by a young guy named Jody Hill, who has become friends of sorts with 16ozTallBoy. 16oz and MediumTalent got a copy of Foot Fist a few weeks ago from Jody and, while I had no idea what they were watching, I could here MediumTalent's particular laugh reverberating off the neighboring apartment complexes as I tried to sleep. 16oz told me about the movie and I immediately went inside and got a ticket for the movie.

I've never been too good at "reviewing" movies but I'll just say this thing is damn funny and way entertaining. It includes scenes of Danny teaching and hitting kids, sparring jokes for anyone who has ever taken martial arts classes, a Chuck Norris character, a fight scene in a motel room, and Danny driving a 308 GTO Ferrari around North Carolina. Hopefully that's enough to get you excited.

I believe Jody just got a distribution deal for this film and if it evers comes to your town rush out and see it. You won't be disappointed. Don't worry. This isn't a comedy elite movie. It's just geniunely funny, well written, and even has some nice poignant moments.

www.thefootfistway.com

I think I'd like to skip the lickety and just split

2006-06-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Recently I was pushed, of sorts, into making a very rash decision regarding the state of my relationship with someone I was once friends with. Since then I have constantly doubted that I did right by myself. I always questioned whether I truly needed to go as far as I did. I was explaining my motivations last night to ToughChick, while waiting to get my tattoo started, and it was as if all my reasons fell into place. Everyting about it suddenly seemed so simple and, more than that, felt very right.

Amazing what just laying out the facts as I saw them to another person, who didn't care one way or another about it, seemed to finally lay the puzzle pieces together. after that I felt better and got a tattoo I have had in my head for years that has suddenly meant much more to me.

Random Rochester Story #1

2006-06-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

This one cold and windy night in March 2002 my friend, CaseHardened, called me to see if I wanted to catch some cover badn he had heard about. They were playing at Milestones that night. Normally I don't set foot in that club because it's pretty up-age. What do I mean by that? Well, I mean it's full of lame 35+ aged people who are still trying to capture something of their youth by going to equally lame concerts by quasi-hippy bands.

But I didn't have anything to do that night so I said, "Why the fuck not?" and Case, TreeGod, and myself rode down there in Case's Cougar. We got their relatively early as the band wasn't gonna go on for maybe another half hour to an hour. We grabbed some beers and stodd around shooting the shit; waiting for Case's girl and her friend.

Before I start the next part, keep in mind this is like 9 pm. Early by most people's standards for intoxication.

So, there's this guy walking around. He is LIT. I mean, jesus, it's early. I remember wondering whether he was drinking at work or something. This guy was at that point of drunk where you completely lose your equilibrium yet still think you can walk around and be fine. Yet you fall and bump into people constantly. This guy was stumbling around the dancefloor bumping into anyone in his way. He came our way and bumped into TreeGod, spilling beer on his leather jacket.

Now TreeGod found this jacket in the back of a '67 Cadillac he bought but he was still pissed someone pilled beer on it. Case was too. The guy eventually stumbled off. Apparently, someone went and told the management about the guy because a few minutes later the bouncers came and tried to take him out.

The problem being this place is usually full off well-behaved older folks and no one really gets rowdy. So these bouncers have no idea how to get a drunk guy out of the place. At this point he had fallen on the floor. Picking up a wasted dude is akin to trying to pick up a cat that doesn't want to leave the floor. Like picking up a garbage bag full of jello.

Eventually Case, who works as a bouncer part-time, gets in there and grabs the dude and carries him towards the door. We go back to whatever we were doing and Case returns a few minutes later. I notice he looks kinda flushed. I ask him what happened. Here's the answer, paraphrased as this was several years ago,

"Well, I carry the guy outside and he gets livid. He pulls his shirt off and starts talking about how he's gonna fight me. I tell him he's drunk and that I'm gonna go back inside and watch the show. He keeps yelling and eventually takes a swing at me. I can't let that slide so I deck him. He falls backwards into a snow back, shirtless, and kind of writhes around for a bit. The best part? He fell out of his shoes when I punched him."

So basically this drunk dude ended up in a snow bank, in the middle of March, with no shirt and no shoes on just because he couldn't pace himself. There's a lesson here people.

radio star

2006-06-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I delivered David Lawrence his brand spanking new production company animation. As a reward of sorts and just to chat about the project, David had me as a guest on the 3rd hour of his radio show. Aptly named The David Lawrence Show. Check out his website for listening times and information. He broadcasts on several terrestrial stations as well as some satelites formats. If you missed the show, like everyone I know probably did, well...too fucking bad. It was a good time. We talked about what I do for work, my DUI, my crazy stripper girl night, and the project I just completed. I came across fairly smart and midly funny which I was worried about. You can listen to the after-show podcast for free. It's short and we mostly talk about what was involved in making the animation. No stripper stories, sorry, had to save those for the paying customers.

i'll wear your skin

2006-06-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

I have decided to get another tattoo. The large and complex one I have talked about for a few years. It involves two personal archetypes that have signified something of my personality and life over the past few years and have gone on to mean more to me over the last few months. I have a longstanding rule that, unless you are getting small and stupid and are a girl who wear pink sweatpants to the mall, you should never get a tattoo unless the idea has been with you for a while. This rules out any rash decisions you might make. I mean, cmon, this is going to be part of your skin forever. Cover-ups can be done but they are hard and are usually only a resort for small tattoos.

The basic design of this has been steadily evolving in my head since sometime in 2003. It is of St. Jude standing on a rock in the middle of waves. Around him is wrapped a Chinese dragon. Behind them is a cloudy sky. At the top and bottom reads, in latin, 'we are all what we do.' It will be a half sleeve, full color, and fully rendered. Should take multiple sittings of about 3-4 hours each. Originally I had just wanted to get St. Jude by himself but recently added the image of the dragon. Partly because of a newly rekindled interest in asian culture but also because of some newly kindled feelings about the nature of the dragon.

St. Jude is the Roman Catholic patron saint of lost causes. My mother periodically has talked about, "praying to St. Jude," during times in my life when I was waiting on college apps, or new jobs, or shows to be renewed. It was her little joke but part of her deeply engrained theology. It has come to have a different meaning for me. I am not a functioning Catholic and my belief in a higher power wains more than waxes. St. Jude's ability to give hope has become sort of a personal part of my inner theology. I keep St. Jude medals and prayer cards around my house. Not because I believe praying to him will help at all. More because his image represents hope to me. Hope being a very dangerous thing in my life. I have spent a never ending battle with hope the last few years. St. Jude stands as a reminder of my own thoughts on my inner worth, of personal hope, and the reminder to always remember that things happen the way they happen. We are what we do. Life is the way it is. I may not always believe it but that's what I try to remember when I am alone with my thoughts in times of struggle or doubt.

The dragon represents my fascination with mythic beings that do nothing but hoard and destroy. The whole essence of the dragon, of the worm, carries through my love of Tolkein's Smaug, Herbert's Shai Hulud, Poe's Conqueror Worm, and even Mignola's Ogdru Jahad. The being known only to destroy and plunder. Feared and sometimes worshipped for it. The idea has come to have a very personal meaning for me in the last few years. As I have come to relate the idea of The Consummate Dragon (thanks Shai Hulud) with the worst parts of my often selfish and irrational personality. Especially in the recent past where I have seen my own motives and desires twisted due to the fact that no one could understand my motivations. Construed as the villain with some kind of agenda because people seem to never know me, whether through my fault or theirs; often because I am afraid of how I might hurt people I care about. I put up walls. The times in my life when I have let them down due to feelings of accomplishment or loss have often 'loosed the dragon' so to speak. This is not the first time something like has happened and I struggle to remind myself to stay focused, calm, and rational.

Thus the combination of these two elements, hope and fear, rationality and irrationality, the sensitive artist and the drunken bastard, are similar to the two dominant sides of my persona. Thus I will have them inked on my arm so I can remember to keep them in check and live a healthy productive life. Because in the end, "We are all what we do."

I have my first appointment for it on Thursday night with Mark from Studio City Tattoo. I really liked the work in his book. He had a great dragon sleeve and a coy fish that really impressed me. Great shading. Great sense of style. We'll start, probably, with just an outline session. Not sure how long I have to wait before we can do another one. I'll see at the end.

ToughChick is gonna go with me. I promised her a while back she could go with me when I got my next one and I am nothing but an occasional man of my word. I think she wants to attend partly because of her fascination with tattoos. She canot get any due to parental obligations and, to some extent, religious customs. But also because I think she really wants to see me in pain and bleeding for a really stupid reason. She'll see plenty of that! I told her a while back when she asked if there would be bleeding that, "Oh, yes. There will be blood." See, she likes horror movies and that's from Saw or whatever...shut up.

This is gonna take a long time to complete. My only hope is that by the end I will have moved past what drives me to get this tattoo and it willserve as only a memory. The last tattoo I got was for similar reason. I was living back east and had just pulled myself out of a 2 year battle with depression, self-loathing, and mild alcoholism. I decided to get a tattoo to both remember the person I was before, the time in which I got it, and the person I was slowly becoming. I will always have that reminder, on my arm, of those days and what they did to change me.

for the strength to endure what is to come

2006-06-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

I was going through and throwing away some old emails from my work Inbox over the weekend while waiting to see how something rendered. It was a trip down memory lane; to use a really stupid expression. Reading all these long chains of replies from when all the people I know at work would actually go places together. Jokes strewn across plans for group trips to movies or to bars on San Fernando for drinks. Back last summer and fall we would all get together on weekends or weeknights and go hang out or see flicks in a group sometimes as large as 20. It was kind of bittersweet to read. It was very nice that we could do that. The last time, though, I think we suceeded in getting a large group together for anything was Harry Potter in November. After that the groups dwindled and dwindled down as more and more people ended up having problems being around other people. The family tree of people with issues with one another was constantly changing so people began to get more and more sick of trying. That coupled with some people flaking pretty consistently for stupid reasons just kind of killed the Nickelodeon group vibe. Now we end up where people have basically said that group things will not be planned. No one wants to bother and have no one show up. No one wants to figure out who can come and who cannot due to varying personal difference across the lines.

So, there we are. No one hangs out except small groups of a few people. Even the best at getting people together have given up. I know some people would tell me that I shouldn't complain because I never came to those group things anyway. They may be right. But I still liked the idea that we could do it. Even when I didn't feel like going.

It's really amazing that I have these other groups of friends that have consistently hung out and been tight for years upon years. Us Nick folks coudln't keep it together for more than maybe a year; ever since the studio started to expand. Myabe it's because we all work together and see each other way too often. Maybe it's because Quellish and CandyGirl dated and things kind fo spread from there. Maybe it's just everyone's fault. Maybe it's my fault?

Either way, work is no longer a fun place to be. I no longer look forward to going places with people who work here. Just a constant reminder of the state that part of my life is in. Instead I choose to do what some people told me was bad a year ago: I hang out with my roomates and their friends. I get away and I enjoy myself. Maybe things will come back together at some point. I doubt it though. Seems like that 'magic' or whatever is over. Especially with inevitable lay-offs, fuck ups and fall-outs, and people just plain deciding to go elsewhere for friends.

In the end we all fucked up somehow. Either through gross misaction or apathy to others or through complete aloof inaction or somewhere in the middle. I just hope friendships will continue to endure even though, it seems in some cases, we have given up trying.

it is my burden to bear

2006-06-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

You've heard me make veiled references to carrying around some secrets that kind of weigh me down from time to time. I thought it would be a larf to check to see what the interweb has to offer in means of solace. I searched googled and found an entry on Wikihow:

1. Ask all the mourners to arrive in their black clothes so the ceremony can begin promptly. Suggest they bring a change of clothing so they can leave in less mournful attire.

2. Have everyone sit somewhere peaceful or somber so they can reflect on all the burdens in their lives. After a few minutes of quiet contemplation, give each person a pen and note cards. There should only be one burden per note card, and you should only use one side.

3. When everyone has written their burdens, take them to the burial ground in a solemn procession and circle the grave.

4. Light the candle. Explain that it symbolizes faith, trust, surrender, and hope. (This can apply in either a religious or more general sense.)

5. Begin with one of your burdens first, since you are the Mistress/Master of Ceremonies. Read it out loud to the group, light the edge of the paper with the candle, and let the ashes fall into the grave. When burning, say, "Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. I relinquish my burden because I must." (Repeat the phrase together after each burden is read.) Then either pass the candle to the next mourner or hold the candle throughout the ceremony and instruct the next person to read theirs. Keep going around until all the burdens are gone.

6. Cover the grave and give each mourner a note card that has the following inscription: "Goodbye burdens, I don't need you anymore, I am complete as I am. The longer I hold on to you, the harder it is to stand. I don't need a crutch, I can walk on my own. I don't need burdens in my life, so just leave me alone." Join hands with one another. "So, hand in hand we walk away and turn our backs to your grave. We're free from all our burdens now; we are not your slaves. No more burden, anxiety, or guilt. Finally we are free. There's nothing weighing me down now. I'm happy just being me!"

7. Lead your procession away from the grave and change from your mourning clothes to your happier attire.

8. Go on in life without these burdens and be happy.

Seriously, what kind of sitcom bullshit is this. All I can think about is that episode of Friends when the girls burn their old boyfriend momentos, start a fire, and then meet cute firemen.

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots

2006-06-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

Last night I got of work early. Which was very nice because I had been up until 3 the night before working on a freelance animation project I picked up last weekend. The project had me working late hours all week long. Usual story with freelance when you must also work a job all day. Leaves me with the remianing time of the day to try and work another virtual job. I was fucking beat by the end of the work day. Only remaining upright by ingesting a steady diet of coke, donuts, and lots of caffinated tea.

I got home and was able to nap quickly while I rendered some shots. Though how useful the nap was is up to debate as it was 9000 degrees in my apartment when I got home. It was 105 in the valley yesterday and it is always at least 10-15 degrees warmer in my apartment. The worst part is that it didn't even cool off at night. It was like the heat had permeated the very crust of the earth and remained, unabated, even after its master, the sun, had vacated our latitude to scourge those in other countries.

I cruised down to Hollywood and met up with AngryJew and HollywoodPhony at the Burgundy Room. A worthwhile venture. I decided to give MissBrigette a ring since she lives in walking distance and frequents that particular bar. She said she was going to a party and invited me along. I took the opportunity. The house party was sort of lame, hot, and boring. I had drank 4-5 beers prior to being picked up at The Burgundy. I drank maybe 5 more at the party. The only highlight of the party was telling more people the story of last week's Saturday (chronicled a few posts down -- 'young man has wierd night, rips off other writer'). By the time we bailed I was heavily buzzed.

We decided to end the night back where mine began -- at The Burgundy. MissBrigette got me a drink since I would have to pay for the cab back over the hill. I made a tactical error by getting a whiskey. While standing on the patio drinking it I sort of felt the whole world sink. Basically, all of a sudden, I found myself very wasted in the middle of a very crowded bar. The rest of the night was spent trying to appear less wasted than I was and doing a very bad job of it. Case in point, I couldn't figure out how to open the sliding door on the Taxi Van. Something even children can do without difficulty. MissBrigette found that fairly funny. So, I guess there's that.

Long story short, after getting home and bumbling through some render set-ups I fell asleep. I awoke earlier than I wanted because I was supposed to meet CharminHammer, Farnaz, and WithOneF at the gym in Pasadena. After struggling through some more render setups and cranking my A/C, I headed to Vons for Gatorade and water before I drove out to the gym. CharminHammer called and told that they had decided to go later. I waited a very long time to eat as a few people took a long time getting back to me about food consumption time frames and such. I went to the gym at 6 and ever since I have been hungry as shit. But, for some reason, I decided that I would forgo eating and just suffer through the want for nourishment.

This was made tougher by my trip to Alhambra to a gallery opening. Basically I think Alhambra is populated by all the slowest and worst drivers from everywhere else on earth. I got caught in a traffic jam because the police had a street blocked off for some reasons. Had trouble finding my way to the gallery. More trouble parking. I actually yelled, "Go!" at a guy backing out of a spot I was going to pull into. He heard me and I guess decided then that it was safe to back out into a completely clear aisle. Whatever, I bought some art and suffered through the slow bad traffic back to the 10 West.

I am at a loss for words

2006-06-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have found I have very little to say here today. Well, not much past just bitching about stuff I have already talked about at length. I'm not gonna do that. I'd rather tell some funny story or something. But I was up really late working on some freelance and my brain isn't working that well right now. Kind of stops and starts every now and again. So I can't really come up with anything funny to talk about.

So, instead I thought it would be a good idea to ramble on about how I can't come with shit? Sounded like a good idea at the time.

1.21 jigawatts!

2006-06-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

Something I saw on the interweb, an examination of the times you have fucked up in your life. You take defining moments of failure, tell when they occurred, what you would change, and why. I know, I know: stupid. But for the sake of writing and vaguely revealing things about myself I'm going to do it anyway.

- November 1999. I would have told Rachael how I felt about her instead of being a "strong" fool. She was it for me. I could have settled down with that girl. We never could get it together after that and I thought about her for years. Her memory influenced nearly every relationship I was involved with until sometime in 2003.

- December 15th, 2002. I would have went home and not went to TreeGod's to hang with ThePrincess and wait for him to get off work. This moment of weakness threw me into a sprial of alcoholism, depression, and self-gratification that took me 2 years to climb out of.

- November 5th, 2005. I should have stayed at the Cat and Fiddle. Everything changed after that. Strange to think how changing bars on a Saturday night would effect the events of my life. But it did. I am still trying to figure out who I was prior to that night and return.

- November 23rd, 2005. I should have taken a cab home. My life was already in transition and turmoil, jail time and probation didn't help matters whatsoever. Had been smart enough to realize I was too drunk to drive I could have saved myself $4000 dollars in fines and fees, 3 months of classes, and 6 months of not being able to drive. How different my decisions would have been had I been able to choose for myself where I was going.

Yes, everything bad happens to me in the late fall. Wierd to look at that now.

mango wango

2006-06-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

I am fucking obsessed with mango juice. Anything with mango in it for that matter. Akin to my love of Star Wars, you could mix mango into poop and I would happily plunk my money down for a spoonful. I am currently sitting in my office, watching Spaced Season 2, and drinking some Kern's Nectar of Mango. Boy, is it good. Especially after the jalapeno cheese crackers I just ate. All in all, a favorable afternoon at Nickelodeon.

does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight

2006-06-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

I had a falling out sometime in 2002, shortly after I got out of college, with a friend of mine I had known for 6 or 7 years. The details are best left floating at the bottom of the Genesee river. To make it highly vague, let's say it involved a girl and me being a drunkard. I had a severe attitude problem when I got out of college. I kind of idea that I was somehow owed something by the world for entering into it post-college. I think I thought that I could do whatever I wanted and everyone should before my grand mastery of apathy and malaise.

None of that is important to my point.

The point is I realized it was a good 2-3 years before me and B-Mix talked again. It took him getting hitched with the girl and me being in LA for a year or so before anything worked out. It had been lost to my mind that it was that long. I guess the hustle and bustle of Hollywood sped my inner timeline along a bit. We are by no means friends now. But if I go home to Rochester and see him I can at least chat a little without feeling like an ass for trying. I'm obviously not invited to his wedding nor do we talk ever outside the realm of Rochester. Our affairs are limited to raising a pint or two from time to time. Which, now, is limited to jaunts cross country for Christmas. It was big of him to extend the hand so many years later as I had kept my head in a very positive place in regards to him. Which worked out to the best. I just tended to focus on everything we did that was good and forgot the unpleasantness.

Fuck, 2 or 3 years. Yikes.

no one taught me how to lie, I learned myself

2006-06-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

I carry, deep in the addled section of my brain, 2 secrets that, if I ever were to let out, would most likely ruin the relationships between several people I know. It's fun. It gives me an odd feeling of power I will never take advantage of. Kind of what a president must feel when he thinks about nuclear weapons. I carry this information and it weighs on me like stones. I know, you think I am going to make a Lord of The Rings reference now, don't you?

And you'd be right.

I feel like that point when Frodo exclaims, "the ring, it's getting heavier." The things I know are my burdern alone. I both love and hate them, dare I say, as Gollum loves and hates the Ring. As I both love and hate myself. But I know I must carry them. I must. For I might bend, but I won't break.

Hahahahahaha.

Wow. That was all ridiculous huh? Yeah, I do have a few secrets that are pretty big and important to a few people. Honestly it does bother me that I know them and have to keep them to myself. But it's nothing a couple cigarettes can't get rid of. I just felt like writing a really overly dramatic post full of fantasy references.

Ya know, for old time's sake.

the olive branch or the arrow

2006-06-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

"I can't imagine how your day to day here must be knowing that three people think ill of you."

After a very strange weekend I was greeted to a very unexpected and welcome surprise. A person I know, who have hurt very badly in the recent past, emailed me discussing possible reconciliation if I could hold up my end of the bargain and be 100% geniune. I have been thinking about talking to this person for a while now and wondered if it would hinder more than help. I am very glad to see it might work out on both sides.

Now, don't get too proud of me. She ripped the fuck into me in her email. Normally I would get really peeved at this but, in this case, everything she said was things she actually saw and thought. It was presented in a manner not meant to hurt but to clear her lungs before she talked about maybe trying to work things out. My respect for this girl, which was already fairly high, jumped up to unprecedented heights after that. Everything she said I took straight to heart because it was 100% bullshit free. It was all personal and, in many cases, very true. She didn't take shots; she presented an opinion that I could only call scathing yet constructive. If she was in the room at the time I would have applauded her. Especially after all the bullshit thrown at me by other people who clearly barely know me. She does barely know me and instead of telling me that she can see right through me she just presented the facts she could see. I don't know if any of this is making any sense but it was wierd for me to take that criticism and come out actually feeling like I like this girl more for tearing me down.

It's possible it's because I feel very bad about how I treated her and would probably take several punches and maybe a head-on collision from a slow moving car for this girl right now. It's possible that I am just very happy that someone I know is adult enough to try and make a second go at friendship. Perhaps I am just happy to be at odds with only 2 people at work and no longer 3.

Eh, whatever. My point is this girl is better than me.

I'll fight anyone who disagress.

young man has odd night, rips off other writer

2006-06-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

So I had a strange night last night. It's probably the closest thing to a Tucker Max story I will ever be able to write. Though not really anywhere near the kinds of things that Mr. Max would have happen to him. Anyway, here goes the story of the oddest Saturday night I have had since college:

A little backstory first.

As some of you know I was convicted of drinking and driving back in November. As part of my penalty I had to attend a state-mandated alcohol awareness program. In such class there was this chick (and I call her a chick for a certain reason, ladies) who I believe was a lingerie model or something. Typical L.A. bottle blonde. She was cute in the face but not pretty, wore too much makeup, had big fake tits, and was a little too skinny for her frame. She even had one of those cheesy suburban stripper type names ( I won't reveal her real name) like Britney or Chandra or Tiffany or something where you wondered if her mother wanted her to be in the adult entertainment industry. Never really talked to her in class because, well, I didn't really talk to anyone in class as it was really early in the morning on Saturday. I remember she used to laugh at my jokes and thought a drawing I did was funny. But that's about the extent of my remembrance of her.

I was in Von's last week. I don't really remember which day. I was buying cold medicine as I had been sick for 5 days and was trying to ditch the ill before I was going to attend a wrap party on Wednesday. I was standing in the frozen food aisle, trying to decide if I wanted to buy some popsicles, when I catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. It is all pink. I decide it's probably one of those cheesy girls wearing a pink sweatsuit that says 'Juicy' or something on the ass. I turn to look and indeed it is a girl wearing a pink sweatsuit with something written on the ass. But not just any girl. It is the aforementioned girl from my DUI class, who shall henceforth be named Blondie.

I guess my reflexes are a little slow because I was under the weather because she catches me looking at her. She smiles so I smirk back thinking she probably just thinks some slob is staring at her in a grocery store and go back to deciding if I really want to get those bomb pops or not.

Next thing I know she is right next to me.

"Hey, weren't you in those classes with me on Hollywood Way?"

I answer back yes.

"Chris, right?" she says. My memory is a bit fuzzy as I was hopped up on Alka Seltzer Plus Cold at the time but I tend to remember she did some hip-cock maneuver when she said my name. But I could just be adding extra spice that was not there.

Irregardless.

She remembered my name which threw me for a loop. Especially since I couldn't for the life of me remember hers.

"Uh...yeah that's me. I'm sorry, I'm horrible with names," and I extend my hand. She tells me her name and we share some anecdotes about the class and the instructor and this douchebag actor dude who used to hit on her all the time until he switched classes. There's a lull and she asks me why I am staring into the frozen treat section of the aisle.

"I'm trying to decide whether to buy some popsicles."
She laughs, "Popsicles?"
"Oh, now you're gonna make fun of me?" I smirk, "It's really hot in my apartment right now."
She smiles at my unabashed love of popsicles, I guess, "Yeah, it's been pretty hot."

We launch into a conversation about the heat and then I ask what she's doing in Burbank since I thought she lived down south in the OC or something. She explains that she just moved into a place in North Hollywood and she's trying to get more photo shoots up here without having to drive. I nod approvingly having nothing to add to that statement. She suddenly asks what I am doing this weekend. I tell her I have a few shows to go to that my friends are in and a housewarming party on Saturday night.

"Aww, that's too bad. I'm having a party at my new place."
"Too bad? Are you inviting me?"

Here she may have said something cute like, "Of course, silly," but I could be remembering wrong. Again, cold medicine and sinus congestion.

"Well, let me know. I can always do both."

She takes down my number and I check out, go home and pass out for a few hours. Genuinely impressed that she didn't care that I looked like dog shit run over by a truck. But also not giving it a second thought that she would actually call me to go to the party. Let's just say the girl is not the sharpest knife in the drawer and seems like she could flake at any moment.

Anyway I go about my week. I get drunk in Hollywood on Friday and see a show. I sleep late on Saturday and narrowly make it to an appointment I have. I brave the crowds at Target. I go to UCB for a show and then to the housewarming party not even remembering that this girl said she would call me.

Since I am driving I don't drink anything except a Orange Cream soda. I make the mistake later in the night of trying one of those Monster Energy drinks because I don't feel like water. Tactical error on my part. Big time.

I get tired around 1:45 and I drive HollywoodPhony home. I stop and buy some cigarettes at a 7-11. At this point I lose all track of time periods for the rest of the night. The energy drink kicks in and my mind is moving at a mile a minute. I get home and I cannot sleep. I sit, endlessly flipping through the channels at break neck speed, trying to find something to watch that will calm me down. It doesn't work and I settle on a History channel show about the Little Ice Age and the Irish potato famine and such. I try to close my eyes and maybe sink off through the boredom of the show's commentator. I just end up day dreaming with my close and have some fucked up thoughts. No more Monster Low Carb Energy drink for me. Ever.

Anyway, at some point (could have been minutes, could have been hours) I go out for a smoke and get a text message. I wonder who the fuck it is since it's damn late. It's from Blondie:

'U wanna come over and party?'

I am floored. I never thought this chick would call much less at somewhere between 2 and 3 in the morning. I call her back and ask for directions. She gives them to me and they are horrible. She doesn't know street names. She giving me vague landmarks like, "the one way sign on Vineland." I have no clue if I am ever gonna find this place. Luckily for me it's in a neighborhood a couple people I know live so I might be able to cruise around figure it out. As long as I don't get the LAPD called on me for slowly driving through residential neighborhoods in the wee morning hours.

I say, "Fuck it," and take off. I put on mt shoes outside and leave through the quiet backdoor as to not wake TheRoomie, who had an early call time this morning, hop in the car and take off for the unknown of North Hollywood.

Deciphering this chick's directions is even worse than I would have thought from her giving them. Through trial and error I figure out which one way sign on Vineland I have to turn at and end up on the right street, I think, and start trying to find the apartment building. The problem is she never gave me a number. She fucking described the place. Some of the apartment complexes around there look the same and she didn't do a very good job at pointing out details other than the generic LA beige stucco look. I get confused and round the block.

Uh, the fuck, Oh.

Unless this chick was way off she lives on a street one block away from CandyGirl. If you know me you know the situation with CandyGirl is not good and we don't talk anymore. This may be bad if she happens to be coming home or looking out her window. Because of Vineland being a split road at this point and the direction I chose to drive down the street I am stuck driving past her house unless I want to K turn it on a small residential street at 3 in the morning. I drive past. I try to drive casually, whatever the fuck that means.

The worst part?

I don't figure out where this chick lives for like another couple of passes around the block. So I end up driving past CandyGirl's place like 3-4 times. I could now be easily mistaken for a stalker. Honestly by the 3rd time I am more concerned with whether this girl gave me fake directions or something to fuck with me. I try to calm my brain down and figure out if I should just go home and call it a night. I light a cigarette and take one more right onto Vineland when my phone goes off.

It's Blondie. She wonders where I am. I tell her I can't figure out what building it is. She tries to explain again but I am still lost. I tell her to meet me down at the front of her building. I round the corner and sure enough she's in the building next to the empty lot thingie I drove past 4 times and wondered if that was it. Stupid energy drinks. It occurred to me later that, although she never gave me her number and I thought I could not call her, it would have appeared in the text message or the call logs. Eh, whatever, it was late.

We go up to her apartment. There's no one else there. I ask where the party is and she explains that her friend took off to her boyfriend's place a while ago and she was all alone. I guess she got lonely and texted me? Seems odd to a guy like me but whatever. I notice bags with all her stuff next to the couch and ask if she is still moving in. After some conversation I found out the following things:

She is younger than I thought. She's 22 and lives with her mom in Orange.

She doesn't live in this apartment. She is just staying there for a few days while she has some shoots in Hollywood and Venice. Guess that explains the bad directions and lack of an actual apartment number in her description.

She's not really blonde (duh) and her tits are fake (double duh).

She's also really dumb.

At some point she say some cheesy line like, "I need to change into something more comfortable." Looks like Blondie watches a lot of sitcoms. I sit on the chair in the living room and wait for her to come back out. She opens the door and tell me to come in. She hides behind the door as I sit on the bed. When she comes out from behind the door she is dressed in full-on stripper clothes. She has a bikini top thing and little boy shorts with a see-through wrap thing around her waist. And the shoes!! Big, tall, clear plastic platform pumps. She asks if I like her outfit.

"Yeah, especially the stripper shoes," I remark with a clever smirk that would normally charm more intelligent girls.
"Stripper shoes," she looks down at them in a very not self-confident manner.
"Yeah, do you have a big bottle of stripper perfume around here anywhere?"

She's not enjoying my humor. I forgot the rule about girls with self esteem issues that I learned very recently: Just tell them they are beautiful and avoid any confrontation. I guess I was too much of an asshole that night what with the lack of sleep and guarine in my system. I try to explain to her that I am only kidding and she looks great but the damage is done by that point.

She gives me some speil about how she thought I was a nice guy in class and, needlessly to say, kicks me out. I don't know how much a bullet I dodged through my own behavior last night. Seems like she would have been good in bed being a quasi-porn star and all. She might have had the HIV. She might have wanted to date me. I have no idea. I just know that my entire night took a turn for the surreal after I drank a Monster energy drink and I never want to drive down that road again.

I walked downstairs, lit a cigarette, hopped in my car, drove away from the house of a girl who just now decided she hates my guts, rounded the corner and drove past the house of a girl who's hated my fucking guts for months. I saw that car and Maynard said, "What's the difference?" on the radio and I continued home to Maple Arms.

I am made for rolling

2006-06-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

So I did indeed roll some of the worst games of my life at the Spongebowl party. I think I barely snuck by 100 each game. Whatever. Free Sam Light and the company of cool people more than made up for it. Not to mention the free Spongebob watches.

MissBrigette did accompany me and kept me in stitches the whole night. We even had time to take pictures in one of them old timey photo booths.

Shortly after exiting the photo booth I commented on the fact that they were playing a Blind Melon song. Mind you, I don't like Blind Melon. But I dated a girl who listened to them in high school so I have Shannon Hoon's off-kiltered warbling engrained in my mind. MissBrigette responded to this statement, with something like a .02 milisecond turnaround time, with a quick slap to my face. Nothing done. Twas all in good fun.

Spongebowl!!

2006-06-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

I'm going to the Spongebob wrap party tonight. IT's at a bowling alley in Hollywood which normally costs about 9 million dollars a game. This is free. Which is the only reason I would set foot in there. Should be a good time. I invited MissBrigette along as a guest. CharminHammer and Farnaz should be there. DarthRehab and Vero should drag their asses in at some point.

Either way I am going to roll some games and probably shoot under 100 like on Saturday at TheRoomies birthday. Which is embarrassing because I own my own equipment so people expect me to be good. We'll see. Maybe with a few beers I'll lossen up and roll a 180 or something.

stupid observances

2006-06-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've had this tape dispenser on my desk for probably a year now. I don't really pay much attention to it. Well, unless I need some tape. Which actually comes up very infrequently.

I just looked down at it and realized it has, "Sticky," written on the front of it. Something about how obvious that is made me laugh really hard. Though I sit in an office with 2 other people so I had to kind of laugh like a mute.

What was that Dave Attell line?

"Even that mute kid started breathing hard and pointing; which is laughter to their kind."

Ima learn ta read!!

2006-06-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

This is not really my joke. I cannot take credit for the exuberance that I feel towards it. All that lies firmly in the lap of the man named M.NightShymalansBlogName. Well, that's not really his name. But that's what I do here.

To explain, on the way back to the hotel from the reception in Boise we passed the Boise public library. Emblazoned on the side of the building is the sign you see above. I can only guess this was put there by city planners to elicit enthusiasm about the library and literature rental. M.Night thought this was the funniest thing he had seen (at least in the last few hours) and spent most of the rest of the night yelling, "Library!" every spare minute he had.

I salute the Boise city council for approving such a sign and salute M.NightShymalansBlogName for carrying this enthusiasm all the way back to LA. Even if the enthusiasm now rests in the medium of comedy and no more in the realm of literacy.

I'm now a real boy!

2006-06-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

I recieved my new California driver's license in the mail on Saturday. Which is nice because on friday night I had to pull out my paper temp license to prove my old NYS license was real. Funny that the picture of me and the fact that NYS licenses are impossible to fake wasn't enough for the bouncer at the Mountain Bar? Guess that tiny hole punch was a flag or soemthing?

Pretty much the arrival of new license marks the complete end of all my DUI woes. I know I am still under probation for a few years but, honestly, that comes up only once and a while. Usually only when I have to drive and not drink.

To explain, since many may not know the extent of my situation, after completing my state DUI courses, attending my court dates, and sitting through my 6 month license suspension I am still on probation for the next 2 and a half years.

What does that mean, you ask? Well, I'll tell yah.

Since I was convicted of a crime that involved alcohol consumption I am limited to a 0.02 BAC. To let those who are ignorant of BAC levels know, that amounts to if I took some Robitussin. So, for all intents and purposes, I should not be drinking at all for the next few years. In reality, I should not get caught by the police with a BAC over 0.02. This amounts to me not drinking in any situation where police involvment may be likely or at all possible. Such as when I will be driving or in some kind of wierd public venue like a beach party or something I rarely do anyway.

I am also not supposed to be anywhere near alcohol or other's who are imbibing alcohol as well. It seems. This part is kind of wierd. If I am riding in the car, after drinking, and the driver gets pulled over and gets a DUI, I can get a 2nd DUI. I know, doesn't make much sense. But I am supposed to be staying any from any alcohol related activities for the next 3 years so being in the car with someone who is drunk qualifies. Though I don't know how often a cop would check the background and BAC of a passenger in a car. If they did, I am screwed. If they don't and they ask me to drive the car home I can just be honest and say I am too drunk.

I am also not allowed to help others NOT drink and drive, it seems, which makes the least amount of sense. Since I am not supposed to be relating to lady alcohol or her consorts in any shape or form, I am not even allowed to drive around drunk people if I am stone cold sober. I risk violation of probation. The state is basically telling me I cannot even be a DD. I will not accept this and I am happy to be a DD. I just have to have this wierd discussion with my riders that night explaining that, if pulled over, the story must be that they were stuck without a ride and I was the only one who could pick them up.

Obviously, the last two penalties are more up to the discretion of the arresting officer but something I always have to keep in the back of my mind for a while. I am hoping that by the time my probation is up in November of 2008 (sigh) I will have got so used to these rules that they will carry with me for the rest of my life.

secrets....

2006-06-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you've ever been to Grouphug before.

I've talked about it once or twice. It's a site where you can go and "confess" things. I would go there and laugh at some of the stories people tell. I mean half of it is obviously fake sex stories people throw up or girlfriend/boyfriend stuff written by teenagers. So, you combine those two and you get a nice sandwich of gross hilarity and unenviable naivete. It adds to a tasty dish. Especially with some Salt N Vinegar chips.

Lately though it has moved from actual confessions to people just bitching. Like they don't know you can just start a free blog, such as a jerk like me, and bitch there. I don't really get why someone would confuse a confession like, "I fell down and touched my dogs penis," with just complaining like, "Why do people like dogs so much?" There's an obvious difference, right? I don't know if they know how easy it would be to take their complaint and recraft it from a complaint into a confession. Mostly because, being overly judgmental myself, I know that when people ask questions like, "Why do people like dogs so much?" they are actually trying to find a nice way to say, "I don't like dogs," and subsequently, "I don't like people who like dogs."

See?

See how easily that was crafted into a confession? I mean the site is anonymous. Time to break free from these stupid social norms people! You don't have to dance around the subject on a site where they specifically expect you to truthfully confession something you can't tell people normally and don't expect you to admit who you are. Why still keep up those stupid interpersonal barriers of bullshit?

This leads me into my rant about how the internet and email has allowed people to be one of two things in their day-to-day relations with others:

1) way nicer, more succinct, and a-thousand-times more tactful than they are in real life. (I fall into this category)

2) way meaner, tougher, and more verbally abusive than they would be in any face-to-face situation.

A friend of mine was working as an intern at some large publishing house in NYC. He had one "boss" that was fond of writing emails in all caps like she was yelling at him. Normally, an intern would shit his pants and do whatever this person wanted because most intern-type-people are willing to take any amount of punishment and do anything outside their job description in the hope that they will be rewarded with a job at the end of their internship. This rarely happens.

My friend did not have any of these cares. He would actually walk over to the woman's office and ask her why she was asking him to do these things and why she was typing in caps lock. Obviously, she was using the interweb to do something she would not have the guts to do in any real situation and she backed down immediately.

Email is the scourge of the corporate world. Allowing people to craft each word and phrase they send in a way they are want to do over the phone. I can't say that I am totally innocent of doing something like this but I usually type very quickly and in a way that is reminiscent of the way I talk. (For any of you readers who do not know me in the outside world, you will find I talk much the way I write -- a amalgam of overly verbose sentences followed by a teenage succinct phrase involving, "dude" or "fuck.")

The other thing that has started to bother me about my random trips to Grouphug is the lengths at which people are willing to travel to make up sex stories and such to try and freak out the other visitors. Case in point:

'So I had a girlfriend for all of 9 months. She dropped by one afternoon when I was sick with a pan of brownies and a video tape with the simpsons on it (my favorite show). so I start eating the brownies and turn on the tape. midway through it, it cuts to her sucking off some dude. his nuts in her mouth, she looks at the camera, and says "you're dumped. enjoy the brownies" - and spits the mouthful of cum into a bowl of brownie mix.'

Normally, I would laugh at this and think, "Sucks to be that guy." But here's the problem with this story: I have heard it in different versions since I was in college. That's a good 6-7 years of repeats. Now, I do not doubt that this actually happened to someone at some point. But I tend to think it started as one of those email forwards from 1999 that got passed around so much that it settled in the general consciousness of the public. Much like the urban myth of the car that runs on water. I can't recall if it always involved the cum-spitting but I know I have heard this many a time in bars and at parties.

So. Here's the deal: If you go to Grouphug and decide to put up a story about some crazy sex encounter or a break-up, please, please, PLEASE make up your own and don't use on you heard in the locker room or something.

As an added bonus today, I am going to go to Grouphug and make up a confession. See if you can figure out which one is mine. You'll win some sort of prize.

designated

2006-06-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

I spent both nights this weekend being a DD for my friends. This was fine with me because I didn't really feel like pouring alcohol into my face due to my sickness. Oh, don't worry. I'm not dying or anything. I just have a bit of 'the illness.' Not in that good Beastie Boys way. In the crappy tired way.

But anyway, I owe people many a ride from my 6 months of license-less...ness(?) So I drove everyone around both nights. Now I have no problem hanging out without drinking. I quit drinking for a few months early this year and it was fine. No bearing on my social life. I tried it mainly to make sure I wasn't an alcoholic after being forced to attend 6 meeting in Decemeber.

The first step in AA is "I admit I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable." Now my life has never, ever been unmanagable. I keep a good hold on what I must get done and I multitask like a motherfucker so no problem there. But whenever I would come back to that 'powerless over alcohol' part I would have a wierd internal argument.

"I am totally powerFUL over alcohol!"
"Are you sure? How do you know?"
"Because I know!"
"You've never tested it to see, have you?"
"I can quit anytime!"
"Well then...quit!"
"I will."
"Fine."
"Double Fine."

So I did quit. From New Year's until sometime in March. It was fine. My life didn't fall apart. I had a good time regardless. When I went back to lady alcohol it was a good reunion. Like seeing a friend from high school years later and killing them!! Scratch that last part.

Anyway.

The only hitch in my amount of fun this weekend was that we went to the same bar both nights. Friday we went to the Mountain Bar in Chinatown and it was good. Then met up with HollywoodPhony, DWreck, and M.NightShymalan'sBlogName outside the New Beverly and then got something to eat.

After sitting around, sweating my ass off all day, we went bowling in Korea Town for TheRoomie's birthday on Saturday night. After rolling a few games we decided to hit up a bar. I wanted to go home and sleep but I took one for the team and drove to, you guessed it: The Mountain Bar!! Again!!

It was a little less fun since I wanted to sleep really bad. But it was fine. I chatted with some folks and then we went home. I fell asleep to the soft caress of my A/C unit and Samurai Jack Season 3.

I have a feeling I will be DD-ing a lot more in the coming weeks. We'll see how good I feel about it later this month.

Until then...fuck off! I'm just joshin'

things to do in boise when you are dead

2006-06-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

- Ride in a limo to LAX at 4:30 in the morning. Ok, technically that's not 'in Boise' but whatever.

- Learn that riding in a limo doesn't make you feel important or make you party like a rapper.

- Ruminate about trying the 'Whisky' from the bottle labeled with a kid's label maker. I know that some whiskey's are named 'whisky' but those are usually expensive scotches from across the sea. This was not one of those whiskeys.

- Fall asleep on a bench in LAX to be woken up by DWreck's voice.

- Wear sunglasses and a suit on a plane so Fadem will make a multitude of Johnny Cash jokes at 7 am.

- Eat Mexican food in southern Idaho at a place where they call you, "Senor," and force giant margeritas on your drunk friends.

- Get no sleep. Literally, like under 4 hours a night. Which in real world terms equals no sleep.

- Drink a lot of Maker's at Hannah's Pub for free.

- Find out how high girls from NYC can kick; especially when there's a waitress right behind.

- Have 5 people point at you from across the bar when the cover band plays a Metallica song.

- Pick up a girl in a fireman's carry just because she was picking up your friend moments before.

- Annoy girls at 4 am because your friends won't give up on the idea.

- Order a porno.

- Forget you ordered the porno until 2 pm the next day.

- Have said 'porno ordering' be spread throughout the entire wedding party.

- Eat at The Red Feather for breakfast and eat the flowers they leave on your potatoes as garnish. I didn't but M.NightShymalan'sBlogName did and he swears they were tasty.

- Trick people by getting a $100 suit tailored.

- Go to a wedding ceremony in a closed down courthouse complete with makeshift lighting, hilarity, and veiled racist murals.

- Send stupid text messages to TheRoomie, while eating filet mignon, amounting to how, after eating your steak, you are going to kick his ass.

- Take apart a patio light, at the reception hall, because a member of the SNL cast wants to smoke weed.

- Burn the shit out of your hand, on said light, and make jokes about being able to commit a crime.

- Watch TheRoomie dance with old ladies.

- Carry TheRoomie off the dance floor with ExBouncer, "just 'cause."

- See your friends almost fight over a girl they will never see again.

- Tease traffic in a suit.

- Try to bribe a store clerk into selling you beer after 2 am.

- Draw doodles of penises for wedding guests on stolen hotel post-it notes.

- Have a girl save you from trying to start a fight with member of another wedding with only her eyes.

- Did I mention get no sleep?

I have too much fun pretending to be bad

2006-06-02T09:54:00.000-07:00

At the Ren Faire there was a wall, for photo purposes, that had paintings of people that represented the 7 deadly sins. You know the kind of wall; with the holes cut for people's faces to poke through. The cheesy cartoon equivalent would be a muscle man and a bikini babe on the beach. Being drunk I thought it woudl be funny to take a picture with my head poking through the Avarice hole (Wrath being represented by a fat woman which sullied my enthusiasm for that sin). Right after the picture was taken a guy walked by and said, "A little cheery for Avarice. Must be a lawyer."

Light died so picked up a mic

2006-06-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to be a guest on HollywoodPhony's podcast last night. It went well though the 10 minute time limit stifles those of a loquacious sensibility; such as I am known to be from time to time. We missed talking about the wedding, realizing we didn't want to embarrass others with their own drunken behavior. My own drunken antics weren't of much value other than one bout of fireman carrying a girl I just met from NYC and removing a halogen bulb from a patio light because someone I didn't know told me to.

Anyway.

Go to the Chad Robuckle Podcast and take a listen. It's funny as shit I promise. If you don't think so then fuck you jerks.

there's always room for one more blade

2006-05-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

Ok. I know I have a history of being an emo fuck from time to time. People often think I am trying way too hard to be poetic here mainly because of the ridiculous titles to my posts. I can remember a deleted post from a while back where TheRoomie told me to not be so morose because I named a post about being caught in the middle of a bad situation, "Be upright that god may love thee..." So...explanation!!

Most of my post names come from song lyrics and movie quotes. Usually something I am listening to at the time or, in the case of the aforementioned deleted post, from a movie. That one being from Kingdom of Heaven. "Be without fear in the face of your enemies, be upright that god may love thee, speak the truth..." All that knighthood crap. I believe I was watching that movie at work while writing that post.

The main places my wierd titles come from are: Tombstone, Lord of the Rings, KoH, Small Brown Bike lyrics, Shai Hulud lyrics, and a smathering of other lyrics. For a time I think everything was exclusively lines from Ben Folds Five songs. I usually think about what I want to write about and some line from something will pop into my head. Or, in bullshit artist tradition, I craft a post around something I read or heard. Like coming up with a title to a song before hand or crafting a pychological explanation for a painting after completing it. Since I don't write poetry anymore sometimes little lines of unmitigated, let's say, elegance pop into my head from time to time and I usually use those.

Yes, that was meant to sound big headed. But, all in all, it is not. I understand the amazing uselessness of blog culture. Especially people like me who do not report about politics or social problems or are even that funny. I bow to those with large readership or people are really presenting the reading public with some well crafted and fun to read like HollywoodPhony for instance. I just post my little blurbs about shit I think about and I think my fandom was maybe 4-5 people at one time last year.

I continue anyway as a pure excuse to write. I know that this exercise is becoming more and more narcissistic since no one else reads this yet I write like people care about my going's on. So, fucks, no need to point it out. Read this shit if you are bored. That's why I write it.

Man learns who he is while in the heartland

2006-05-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

So I must say something amazing happened while I was visiting the middle part of our great country this weekend:

I remember how much I like being an asshole.

The crux of this was a conversation I had with M.NightShymalan'sBlogName after the ceremony. We we're talking about talking shit to people back east; how friends and family enjoyed this. How, once in LA, people would either get hurt by it or think we were being serious. I can't take that. I like busting balls. It's fun between friends. At one time I would say, "if you don't get that I am joking then I don't give a shit what you think."

It reminded me of how much I enjoy being a funny, loud jerk. So I spent the rest of the wedding chatting with folks, talking shit, making people laugh, laughing myself (often too loud), and in general doing whatever the hell I felt like doing. It was great. I had a lot of fun and people seemed to enjoy having me around.

I feel like I have returned to LA a conquering hero.

No longer the used up piece of crap I felt like before I left. So know this, mutherfuckers:

I'm back!!

death and boise

2006-05-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

So, needless to say, I made it back from the "SNL wedding" (as people from another wedding were liked to refer to it) and I am back in LA requiring sleep and recovery. I didn't die, as Bordo made me believe on Sunday night. In fact, I think now I may be invincible? Probably not. But it's a nice thought. Hopefully I'll have a light weekend to make up for all the late nights and whiskey drinking. But we all know my track record with that as of late.

I'm at work now so I'll get into specifics, as much as I can remember, later on. I am waiting to get some pics from people to jazz it up a bit.

Like paprika on potatoes, pictures are the spice of this whole blog culture.

one way trip to potato town

2006-05-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

So I'm off the Boise, ID this weekend to watch MediumTalent and Magaggie get hitched. Should be a good time. There's a whole ton of folks I know going:

I'm sharing a limo to LAX and a direct flight to Boise with TeaCake, TheRoomie, ResidentEvil, and ResidentGirlfriend.

16ozTallBoy will meet us there.

We're staying the same hotel as ExBouncer and his lady, DWreck, Fadem, HollywoodPhony, AngryJew, and some other folks that you won't know that I haven't the time to create fake names for.

I'm gonna have a good time and try to score some Boise chicks on Saturday night. Take 'er ease and have a good Memorial Day Weekend, kids!

I've been to hell...

2006-05-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

So I got my license back yesterday. After 6 long months, I can now drive again. I am pretty much back to being a normal person. Well, except for that pesky probation thing for the next 2 and half years...

Anyhoo.

I spent yesterday morning at everyone's favorite place in the world: The Department of Motor Vehicles. I know, I know. I'm not gonna talk about all the normal bad observational comedy stuff about the DMV: the lines, the ugly people, and the horrible people who work there. That's all pretty played out and, in truth, I have a soft spot for the Glendale branch of the CA DMV. The first time I went there, to get my CA license when I moved from NY, I saw Alexia Bledel of Gilmore Girls fame.

On to the story.

I was standing in line to get my number ticket. Not a long line, mind you. Maybe a couple of people ahead of me. An old lady walks by all of us and straight up to the guy handing out forms and numbers. I'm pretty sure she even walked in front of the guy who was actually speaking to the DMV employee at the time. I didn't think much of it. Old people are nuts, ya know? I just wanted to get my number and get the hell on my way; I had already been there once that morning.

This guy behind me wasn't of the same mind. He pokes me on the shoulder and says, "What was that?" I smirk and shrug. He continues, "Guess she thought we weren't here or something?" I yet again smirk and answer with a, "Yeah," or something and turn back around. He continues, "I mean, she's an old lady, I'm not gonna say anything." All the while the lady is about 2 feet in front of us. I know she's old but jeez.

I answer something to the effect of, "I wasn't gonna say anything either." At this point I step forward and get my number. I hear the talkative guy behind me saying to the next clerk, "I need a form so I can drive in the diamond lane." There's a silence then; I guess because the clerk was unsure what this guy meant. He then clarified, "I drive a hybrid."

And it all makes sense. He's a smug-stormer.

a celebration of lameness

2006-05-22T17:16:00.000-07:00

I just realized that my last post is probably one of the weakest things I have ever written down. Basically it is me saying things here, anonymously, that I coudln't say to these people in person. Weak. Weak sauce. Weak pants, me thinks.

I'm not gonna take it down because that would only add to the lame-itude.

a celebration of treachery

2006-05-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.

1) You are one of the best people I have ever met. Though are lives diverge and come together again from time to time I wil never forget the amount of kindness you have showed me. It seems amazing to me the little amount of time we have known each other but I feel as though you treat me with the same amount of respect as people you have known for years upon years. I will never forget that. Anything you need of me is yours; whether to vanquish foes or simply move a couch.

2) It pains me to think that you feel I have failed you in the bonds of friendship as I never held any ill will towards you. Yet, I must walk my own path and I am sorry, it seems, that you could not understand my actions. No matter how it seemed I had nothing but good intentions in mind. I will always consider you a friend no matter how far apart our lives drift. Know that I am always there for you but there will come a time, sooner than later, when I lose the amount of energy I have to chase you down.

3) I hope that one day you will find the ability and energy to achieve everything you hope for. You have so much promise that I'd like to see everyone appreciate but I cannot push you there.

4) I never thought I could learn more of selfishness and irrational action from anyone outside of my own head. But you taught me more than I could have ever wanted to learn about what I can only call betrayal. You are the reason I left. All I can say is, we are even and no longer anything to each other.

5) You shine out bright. Especially in the town you live in. I wish the most amazing future for you. Take every chance and run with it. Even if it means our lives become separated by more than 3000 miles, it makes me nothing but happy to know of your success.

6) I know you come from a large family but I alway felt you were the closest thing I ever had to a brother. I would still, to this day, run through walls for you. You understood me at a time when few others did and have given me nothing short of the most amount of chances I have ever known. You call me and I will be there as soon as I can.

7) You have truly excised your father's ghost and become a man that I will always look up to. Thank you for all the encouragement and help. I love you and I still hear your teachings on hard work and family value ringing in my ears to this day.

8) You are, hands down, one of the greatest men I have ever known. You accomplished more than I could ever hope to do in my life. I wish you peace.

9) Thank you for all your love and encouragement. I owe you more than could ever be said. Someday I will buy you a small country to retire to.

10) I hope you realize that I did not want to hurt you. I know the beast that lurks inside me and I wanted to keep you as far away from him as possible. I hope that someday we can be friends. Take all the time you need. I'll be around with a smile for you.

an examination of treachery

2006-05-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Me=a mess.

Man, I know my life has been settling into a middling state of turmoil for a while now. I have had a falling out with one friend and, daily, I spend trying to convince him of the worth of my prescence and my level of trustworthiness. I have voluntarily "cut ties" with another person; who, at one point or another, I was friends with. Though to what level of closeness I will never be sure. I swore after all that that I would never let it bleed over into other parts of my life. My will alone, friends, seems to be not enough to stop it. The drama, or whatever the fuck you'd like to call it, has driven me to make several mistakes, personally and emotionally, and it now took its toll on someone other than myself.

For that, I am truly sorry. At some point I hope I can patch things up into a friendship. But, I don't know, to loosely quote Ms. Amos: "I ran from her in all kinds of ways, maybe it's her turn this time."

knots and their inevitable tying

2006-05-17T14:05:00.000-07:00

Someone recently asked me if a lot of my friends were getting to the age where they are starting to marry. I answered a resounding, "No." I have realized after the last few weeks that my response was utterly wrong. After thinking about the amount of people I know who are married, recently got married, are getting married, or are planning to get married, it amounted to quite a few and changed my perspective completely.

I have a few friends who have been married for a time; Mols and TheMaldonado have been hitched since before I met either of them. Married since the beginning of time for all I know. Wondertoast has been married for a bit. Again, to a selfish bastard like me, since the beginning of time. Time being measured starting from the time they were introduced to my awesomeness. Though people here at work still remember her by her old last name so it must have been more recent than I would admit. Mohare has been married since I met him way back in my Rhode Island days.

Now I have some friends who are engaged or were engaged at some point. MaxAlert was engaged for a time; most of it happening when I was stuck in reality hell. I think Quellish would have been engaged if he could have swung events in his favor. Keren and Ross are engaged and hitching sometime in the near future.

MediumTalent and Magaggie are tying the proverbial knot in Idaho next weekend; an event which I will be in attendance for.

I still have no plans to get married until my career is very much more intact. Though there usually needs to be a girl who is also willing to complete the process; from what I understand of the logistics of marriage. So that's another thing stacked against me. I tend to stray from the ones who want me and can't seem to interest the ones I want for any length of time.

But I digress. To whoever that person was that I so insolently dismissed: I was wrong. I guess I am arriving at the age where my friends begin to marry. Not me though. That's all that counts on this blog thing though.

Who cares about those people I hide with clever psuedonyms anyway?

[blinks]

2006-05-16T17:48:00.000-07:00

I added links and blogs to my sidebar today. They are places I frequently visit or people I highly enjoy.

A few are artists I know from Nick who kick-ass, both at life and their respective creative out-pourings:

Doodle-a-day is my buddy Jay Shultz, who draws circles around me (not that anyone who only reads this on the interweb knows how well I can draw,) and loves chain maille more than medieval seige knights; who wore the shit for protection.

Wondertoast is my friend Anna Woltz who makes pretty pictures that are both hilarious and beautiful in a way my brooding ass could never accomplish; even if I studied under her tutelage for a thousand years.

Go to their blogs and wonder at the pretties!

Some are bands:

ISIS represent the pinnacle of post-hardcore, progressive metal. Long on groove and atmosphere and with just enough pissitude to keep guys like me happy.

Shai Hulud (The Old Worm Who Would Not Die) are my absolute favorite metal-core band. They claim to have just ripped off other bands but ended up with a style all their own; ripped of by younger generations and a true wake-up call when I first heard them in 1999. They also take their name from Herbert's Dune (Shai Hulud being the conqueror worm, the old man of the desert.) Bless the Maker and His water and let Shai Hulud clear the path before you with singe-ing guitar lines, misanthropic poetry, and just the right amount of major keyed brutal beauty.

Some are friends:

Hollywood Phony, Dead Celebrity, Crap Cartoons, and Chad Robuckle are all my friend, Eric Fillipkowski's, blogs. He is one of the funniest guys I have met in LA, or anywhere for that matter, and I absolutely love reading his shit. He has another thousand or so blogs hidden all around the web so go to his sites and click links until your heart explodes.

Some are people I admire, love, or respect yet do not know:

Penny Arcade is the finest online comic I know of. Not only does it delve mostly into the world of video games but it is constantly written hilariously and drawn superbly. I have nothing but love and respect for both Tycho and Gabe. In a sense my current drawing style is a slight rip-off of Gabe's. But no matter, he rules and I am unknown.

Tucker Max is a hero of mine. Not for the usual lonely guy reasons. I don't care that he is a drunken asshole or that he bangs lots of chicks. I find him to be a naturally great writer and his grassroots conquest of entertainment using a new thing we call "the internet" to garner a large fanbase and land himself on the NY Times Bestseller list with a book he had a hard time getting published is a feat in itself. Only someone like Tucker could pull it off and I aspire to the same heights.

Butternutsquash is the 2nd best online comic ever. Sorry, guys, my heart always lies with Penny Arcade. But I love BNS for wholly different reasons. First they are comic book guys and the art sizzles with the energy only of a person who has had to lead readers through action on a newsprint page can do. Also, the ongoing storyline and age of the characters is a little closer to my own reality. I just wish they would put stuff out quicker.

Then there's my myspace page. Lame, I know. But if you like my writings here, send me a message on myspace mentioning the blog and I'll add you. I usually deny any random people that try and add me, so make sure and message first.

come all ye to this, a future undefinied...

2006-05-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me one of these weekends (which one my fragile mind cannot recall) what job I would do if I had enough money to never have to worry about rent and bills ever again. Mind you, I believe the question posed meant that I would still have to work. Just not in any money grubbing capacity.

"Well, I would probably keep doing my current job as I highly enjoy it," was my answer.

I think I recieved a bit of a scoff at that reply. I think the point of the query was to actually come up with something out of my imagination. So my answer, after some thought, would be thus:

I would either like to work in a bowling alley as a pin jockey. I know, just like Homer went he got out of debt.

Or I would like to apprentice under a tattoo artist. I know I have the art skills for such an endevour but lack the willingness to be someone's lackey for minimal amounts of money whilst trying to remain not homeless in LA.

stand up and stand apart

2006-05-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

So...quick update.

Some things are done, some things are the same, some things are new, some things require time and vigilance, which I deplore, being of the mind of needing resolution for everything in my life in a moments notice.

I've been busy at work and busy at home. We are plodding away on X's Season 2; constantly wondering when we will find out whether the show is, in fact, done and we are set to find other employment or that it has been picked up and we will have work until next year when the same process repeats. At home, I have been writing a short about roomates and candy bars, working on Elseworld, and starting to draw again.

Everything's going pretty well. I have been amazed as to the speed and ease to which I seem to wrangle ideas from my brain these days.

through honor, not arms

2006-05-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

"Storms make oaks take deeper roots"

I have done something I knew I needed to do for a long time but doubted I was strong enough to do it. Here's to hoping that I have only merely doubted.

burn, burn like a wicker cabinet

2006-05-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

So I have these single door cabinets in my living room that I keep DVDs in. They stand on either side of my TV stand; kind of like bookends. I set them up so they opened outward. I thought it made sense at the time. Countless people have come over to my place and complained that the cabinets should open outward; away from the TV. I always said they were crazy. But this weekend I caved and switched the cabinets.

In doing so I realized I reorganized my DVDs in alphabetical order. I realized I was missing a few. Clone Wars Seasons 1 & 2, Revenge of the Sith, and Simpsons Season 3. I asked around and Quellish has my Star Wars stuff; so that mystery is solved. But I have no clue where my Simpsons DVDs are. So, if you have them, anonymous reader, please let them come home. They contain my favorite episode ever: Selma's Choice.

welcome to our vacuum

2006-04-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

Spent the day hanging out with TheMaldonado today. Talked a bit about my problems with Quellish. I tried to relate the reasons why I am hanging on. People keep telling me that at some point I have to question whether it is worth it. I don't get that. He's my friend. What am I supposed to do give up on him?

There's nothing I can do to convince him so I just have to wait. And I will, no matter what people tell me. I just wish I knew whether shit is actually gonna work out or not. Not because I would give up. More because I keep the hope alive and sometimes it wears on me. Maybe if I knew I could give up on hope or despair or whatever big word from Lord of the Rings I choose to relate it to this week.

something in my front pocket for you

2006-04-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

A while back a friend-recently-turned-casual-acquaintance said to me, "Sometimes friends drift apart." While that is true, everytime it has happened to me it was by the slow passage of time combined with separate lives and thousands of miles. When in close proximity, friends drift apart because they let themselves drift. I was not, nor am I still willing, to accept that.

I fight and I fight and I end up punching air or whatever my favorite metaphor may be today.

I think I am on the other side of understanding. To her, it seemed being left with no goodbyes and maybe a pocket full of fond memories is an alright way to go on. To me it is not. Utterly. For a time I was grasping too hard to things; strangling them, if you will, like Lenny in Of Mice And Men. I don't deal well with people leaving me. I hold on. I still hold on. To many long gone.

Those people exist in a past I no longer inhabit. Times back east that seems lightyears away now. I was a different person back then. Yet, their ghosts still routinely haunt me in stories, songs, and dreams. I would still call them friends if I could see them.

What I can't wrap my head around is being haunted by a ghost of someone I see on a regular basis; often day-to-day. I still call them friend but the word seems to begin to age. Not like wine or cheese. Just bitter. I share less stories. I can no longer relate anything of current value about their life.

In the odd chance she reads this. I have no problem with her. Just the current state of things. I can't seem to figure out how to make it any better without risking stepping on toes, crossing lines, or playing the fool. I miss my friend and I do not know how to get her back. In the past, I probably would have resorted to epiphany and grand sweeping actions. To no avail. I'd rather not do that this time around since that always seemed ridiculous and rarely brought about any result.

There's a part of me that wishes I could just say something but I don't think I could get the words out right. Probably end up in an argument or come out as an attack. Maybe if I could draw a picture that would convey it. But I think if I could I would be a famous artist.

Nothing, it seems, is left for me but to take out those fond memories from my pocket, unfold them carefully like old lined paper, and look at them when no one is around. Trying hard to not become some sentimental old fool.

But, sadly, I still miss her and my pockets are ever so full of tattered paper.

**NOTE - strange how a few weeks can completely change your feelings. this post seems like I wrote it years ago.

This war will make corpses of us all...

2006-04-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

At least corpses of our hearts. hehehe.

Anyway, I haven't really been in abreak-up since I lived back east. But some of the stuff I have been delaing with recently, personally, is a bit like a break-up. A break-up of friends I would wager.

Well, to the point, I was reading the FAQ on Shai Hulud's website and they talked about the inspiration for the song, "My Heart Bleeds The Darkest Blood." The song is about a bad break-up. One of the members of the band had been going through it and found out that his ex thought that the break-up would utterly ruin him and felt a little disappointed to find out he was fine.

I have never kept in contact with any of my ex's. My attitude in the past with people who leave me or hurt me hasn't been exactly healthy so I usually damned them for all time and went about drinking too much and making mistakes. I wonder if any of them would have been happy to find out my life was tipped upside down by the "breaking?" Would they rejoice in the knowledge they ruined a young man for several months? Or would they be sad because they still cared about my well being? Beyond any romantic implications?

I will never know. Everyone I have ever dated lives thousands of miles away in cities I rarely visit, no doubt hanging out in places I never go, and probably not thinking about some guy they dated years ago.

I wonder in my current situation if the people involved care about my lonely, sleepless nights or all the choking back of tears and all that other emotional stuff I went through. I'm really not sure. It pains me to think of it but I think not. It's that kind of mess. I think everyone is being rather selfish, myself included from time to time, so I doubt any of it will ever be discussed or cared about. Maybe some day. Maybe.

But I doubt it.

Just thinking I should redirect my time and energy towards those who are still my friends and those few new ones I have recently made.

So, I think I'm out of the war. Or whatever it was.

"let's remove the tanks,
let's pull back the troops."
-SMB, "My Own Disaster"

the fallacy of epiphany

2006-04-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

"it came to me"

I have been spending a lot of time sitting around with my thoughts lately. The main thing I have been trying to avoid, to varying degrees of success, is to jump to illogical conclusions. The tough thing of lacking information and spending a lot of time thinking on the little facts you have is that you can come to some crazy conclusions. These crazy conclusions usually force impetuous people to then go about making crazy decisions about things. Usually crazy decisions lead to irrational actions that are either unneccessary or uneeded.

I have grown fairly sick of arguing with people. I have grown completely sick of pleading my case to people who won't listen to my side. But I still sit around and ruminate and think that maybe I should say something. Maybe if I made one more plea or one more comment that maybe it would all break and everyone would bow to my amazing wisdom.

But in reality, I am dealing with people who are only thinking of themselves. To be quite fair, the longer I sit around, alone, the more I begin to only think of myself as well. Making any great idea I have usually fairly foolish.

I have these epiphanies nightly as I busy myself about my empty apartment. The trick is to keep them inside and let them fade overnight until I don't care to voice them. They ruin my sleep sometimes. Sometimes they linger. But if I carried any of them out it wouldn't really make any difference.

So I sit and wait and fight them off. In the end, it's all I can do.

Hey Kids!

2006-04-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

So everybody's yack-yack-yacking about gas prices these days! What's up with that? I don't seem to understand the problem. Guess Mr. Chris is just out of the loop.

How do I stay out of the frustration of our country's dependance on ever-more-expensive crude oil, you say? Well, kids, it's so simple it's insane!

Drink and drive.

That's right. Get loaded and drive around. Preferably a town with a vigilant-yet-underulitized police department. Like Burbank! Get pulled over and fail your field sobriety test. Blow real hard on that Breath-a-lizer so as to get all that alcohol out. Maybe you can double the legal limit!

After you get out of jail you'll be on your way to living car free for the next 6 months! No hassles of gas prices, lines at the pump, and rude station clerks who don't speak english!

Kiss it all goodbye and enjoy your city's fine public transportation system.

Or better yet, ride a bike and watch those unwanted pounds just drop off!

Drunk driving, kids, it's the road to a stress free future.

it's all about prescience, yes, the science fiction kind

2006-04-24T16:33:00.000-07:00

I was watching Primer at work today and trying to figure out what the hell was going on; nonetheless fascinated by the story. I have always wanted to write a piece of sci-fi like it yet I lack the technical expertise needed to do a true time travel story. At least one that explores things beyond the Back To The Future universe.

But I think I would like to write something about prescience.

Prescience is simply the ability to see the future through visions. I am more interested in the kind of prescience that Frank Herbert explored in the Dune novels. The ability to see all possible futures. In Dune, Paul and his family have this vision sight and are able to bring about secher nbiw, the golden path, by following the action and consequences that will bring about mankind's continued flourishment and escaping man's downfall.

Basically, they predict all possible futures and plot to bring the best on about by manipulating the actions and moments needed to get there.

This idea has always intrigued me. Mainly because I have always been a dweller in the past. Wondering how much better my life would be if I could change mistakes and misteps made in the past. How would my life differ if I knew what would happen if I chose different actions and knew the possible outcomes?

My idea is to explore the fact that, as Herbert suggested, this ability is a curse. One would have to be ever vigilant to make sure that only the best outcomes are allowed to pass. My idea would center around an individual with prescient abilities who is coerced by an outside person to help bring about happy futures for those they care about. But failing to realize the amount of work needed they learn that this "perfect future" is impossible and ruins the life of the person trying to bring it about.

Commie shoes arrive

2006-04-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

So my custom Dunks finally came in from Southeast Asia. Contrary to belief that my friends had they:

1) did not come with a small asian child's severed finger inside the box.

2) did not contain a note in handwritten Vietmanese calling me a "capitalist pig who would burn for my decadence."

3) did not smell like a Korean man's feet who had been wearing my shoes around the airport.

Western cliche

2006-04-11T15:14:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite stupid movie cliches is the image of the spunky farmer holding off armed bandits with a pitchfork. Ok, maybe I have never held a pitchfork nor tried to stab anyone with one. Nor have I ever been at the business end of a pitchfork or been stabbed by one. But I would think that the pitchfork, however mighty it might be at pitching hay, would be no match for a bullet.

But what do I know? I'm from New York.

the cost of wanting to be loved

2006-04-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

ResidentGirlfriend planned a party for me and ResidentEvil at Hollywood Billiards on Friday night. It was good fun. Thanks to everyone who showed up. Good seeing all of you and playing pool. Special thanks to the people that provided me with beer all night. Super special awesome tahnks to Eryne for planning the whole thing. Without her work we would have just been sitting home doing nothing.

Sorry if I seemed a little distracted during the night. It's still very strange for me to have someone I was friends with and have to remain on the other side of the room from him. I guess if I had any idea what was going on in his head I might be able to tell if I need to stay away or not. But I have no idea, so I have to stick with what I have been doing. It's tough on me and, I'd hope, tough on him too. I can only hope that it will work out someday. But not knowing when that day will come is the worst birthday gift life could ever wrap for me.

ribbons and wrapping paper and the loss of sleep

2006-04-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

So it was my birthday yesterday. Not bad. Not bad.

Double L got me steaks and some High Life.
TheRoomie got me some sci-fi books.
16ozTallBoy got me a really lame Archie comic with a gift certificate to my local comic store in the back.
Farnaz and CharminHammer got me a sweet chopstick set.
CandyGirl got me some manly designer shower gels and shave cream.
I slept on the bed my parent's bought me.

TeaCake outdid everyone and snuck a Fudgy The Whale cake into my freezer while I wasn't looking. He gets a gold star.

I went out for some burgers and beers with some friends. Went home and had trouble sleeping.

Sorry if I can't muster a ton of enthusiasm. I am very happy some people came and spent some time with me last night. But, to be honest, when I pictured this day a few months ago there was a few people I thought would play a larger part.

And one who was sourly missing. Empty chairs at empty tables and all that Les Mis crap. I knew it would be a tough birthday for me. Just one part of the rest of a tough year. But it was tough to go home and think about Quellish not being there.

I got maybe a few hours of sleep and I have kind of dragged through work today. Think I'll go home and take a nap.

this manufactured war

2006-04-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

So it's about an hour away from me turning 27 and I was cleaning my apartment earlier and lstening to my shuffle and a song by Small Brown Bike came on. Now this particular song seems to ring very true with the things I have been dealing with personally as of late. Perhaps you may have noticed me make mention of them. Well, the lyrics of this song are pretty dead on. I have no idea if tomorrow will be a good day or not. I'll just wake up and see. Which is a tough thing to grasp since it is my birthday.

I'll just share this song I love so much and speak no more on the subject:

"Everything was so dead still.
The air just froze and broke.
Those few words that you said to you.
They had no place to go, but to our minds,
to our hearts and the torture wasn't marked.
Now I've found that you hated our lives.
I just think it through sometimes and get nowhere but lost.
I can't help but miss those things that we found through our talks.
Now we don't laugh and we don't sing and I can't understand a thing.
And the thirds and the fifths are all gone.
(And it's so hard to see you now) Don't be my unsung zero.
(And it's so wrong to hate you now) Don't be my unsung zero.
(I can only scream half as loud) Don't be my unsung zero.
I don't want to chase the past.
It feels like finding ghosts.
You seem to have your mind set up.
It's creeping from our home.
We don't talk and we don't call in this manufactured war
where I can't even aim with my eyes.
Now that we've closed that door.
Hugged and stepped away.
Thank you from my heart.
With one last thing to say.
I miss our life."

-"Unsung Zero"

I rikey new shoes!

2006-04-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

So I ordered a pair of custom Dunks from Nike's ID website. Basically you pay full retail price for the shoes but you can create custom color combos using a Shockwave interface on the website.

Well, the shoes take a month to get to you. TeaCake, 16ozTallboy, TheRoomie and myself like to joke about how little asian children's fingers are so small that they can only produce so many shoes at one time.

After all that I get a shipping update that my shoes have been delayed because the flight out of Vietnam was cancelled.

Vietnam?

So in a week or so I will have myself a new custom pair of asian sweatshop-made sneakers.

Me rike.

separating the lamb from the wolf within

2006-04-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

When I got out of high school I was pretty much the definition of naive. I had been fairly emasculated and messed in the head by a girl I dated a year earlier. This girl could be described as the very definition of crazy. I entered college pretty much lost as to what kind of person I was going to be. I wasn't reall certain of the kind of person I had been in the past.

I spent most of freshman year kind of bumbling around in a pot and alcohol induced haze; trying new things at every opportunity. But in reality, I was more lost at the end of that year than I ever had been. I got home that summer and spent it working in a a paint store carrying boxes up and down stairs and doing a lot of thinking.

I got back to school that following fall with a very different mindset than the one I had when I had left. I wasn't completely sure the group of people I had been hanging around with were really the type of people I could see myself relating to for years. Still, in most sense, I remained lost.

A couple things happened that bucked my complete outlook on life that year.

The first thing was I met, and completely fucked my relationship with, a girl who I felt like I could have settled down with. Perhaps a dream girl? Maybe. It's hard for me to describe the feelings so many years later. But I was really head over heels for this girl and I let it all fall to pieces due to my own insecurities. This put me into a spin of hard drinking and drugs that would fuck up my work ethic and emotional state for most of the rest of the year.

The second thing that happened was I met a guy who was closer to the types of friends I had back home. I speak of none other than the legendary TallCowboy. We shared the same last name, came from the same type of economic background, both liked Chevys, and would eventually end up living across the street from each other. Meeting Ryan would end up changing the entire kind of friend I looked for at RISD from that day forward. I was no longer tagging along with rich kids with big egos, in some type of little brother format, and was now only interested in people who honestly thought I was a good person and wanted me around.

Also, Ryan was very much a regular guy. As was I. I had spent 2 years at school trying to be artsy and fit in with indie rockers and art wierdos. I came to realize through my friendship with Ryan, his friends, and others that creativity and aptitude in art comes from inside and does not need to be reflected by wearing wierd clothes or strange hats. I went back to wearing jeans and tshirts and continued to make fucked up illustrations and poems.

Eventually, me and Ryan realized that we were in a bit of an "outcast" situation with some people at our school. They would scoff at us for drinking cheap beer, partying like frat boys, trying toh ook up with chicks, and eating at places like McDonalds without remorse. That coupled with our blue collar backgrounds led me into an exciting period where most of my work reflected the difference in how I saw my background and work ethic over those I knew with trust funds and weekly allowances.

I spent that summer working in a factory trying to forget about the aforementioned girl and slipping ever deeper into blue collar hell of 4 am coffee and cheap cigarettes.

I got back to RISD that next year even more ready to explore this glorified and mythologized version of my socio-economic background. I started to create a different persona for myself. I began drinking whiskey and listening to more rock and heavy metal. I became enamored with the blues myth of selling one's soul to the devil at the crossroads for a formidable talent. Became obsessed with factory work and places on the delta like New Orleans, Baton Rouge, and the Natchez Trace.

I began to hit on different types of girls. I began to dress differently and walk differently. In some sense I began to shed a bit of the naivete and shyness I had entered school with. To quote a Earth Crisis song I always liked:

"I turned myself into a monster to overcome the monsters of the world"

If people would treat me like an outcast I would become more of an outcast dealing only with the people I felt fit into the life I wanted: TallCowboy, PunkRockMatt, HeartBreaker, etc.

By no means did this solve any of my problems. I still had self esteem issues and problems with drinking but I walked out that school a wolf and not a lamb. I steeled myself, protected my heart, and took on a, "hooray for me and fuck you," attitude that continued until only recently.

What will I become next? Who knows. I'd like to think that maybe I can balance out the lamb and the wolf.

an open letter to myself of 6 months ago

2006-04-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

I envy you. I really do. Your quiet indifference used as a mask against the fear and pain you felt seems like a welcome comfort now. It is clever and treacherous. Rarely having to admit anything about the world around bothers you to anything above anger. There seems to be a simplicity to your life that seems outwardly enjoyable. Steeling yourself against everyone you know. Thinking they will all one day leave you so instead you choose not to get to close to any of them. It's beautiful in its simplicity yet horrible in its outcome.

I have let people get close as of late and a few have left me. Sometimes I wish I could use your tactics. It would be so much easier to shrug it off with a "fuck you" and a silent glare. So much easier to choose indifference and malice over emotional attachment. Like I said, I envy you. I sit here and feel the loneliness. Feel my heart aching. Your's covered in a wall of steel and brick that renders it impenetrable. I know you would love to let it down for someone but you choose to mask its beat and wait.

You see, I love feeling the beat too much now to ever do what you do.

It hurts me to think that people think ill of me and do not care. But I choose not to throw my caring for them away like you. I'd rather have done it and lost it and remember the feeling than to forget it all behind doors of alcohol, angst, and self loathing. I'd rather carry a memory of the light when I am in shadow than remain in the shade forever.

For I know something about you that you do not know:

For every day you live masking the hurt and the pain, you also mask the love, the warmth, the happiness that I can feel on my best days. You will never enjoy anything as much as I can. You life resides in a middling state of apathy and, though you may never know the lows I feel now, you will never experience nor carry the memory of the highs.

What was it Ben Folds said, "Honor not happiness?" I listen to that song and I think of you trying to convince people that it made you tougher and stronger to be so isolated. That you were better off not caring. That life was better lived alone and unattached. It may be indeed. You are like a stone. Immovable. Static. Impenetrable. But I know now that when I feel my best I can run through walls. As low as I may feel now something will happen soon that will allow me to be strong again; stronger than you. I will wake up, rub my eyes, walk outside, and the world will open up beneath my feet.

Enjoy your place in the garden; alone.

You were always worried the pain would turn you into a monster. Instead you turned yourself and left a lot of good things in your wake. I know I cannot pick them all up. But give me time.

I will try.

here comes the story of the hurricane

2006-04-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

So I saw 16 Blocks today and there's this riddle thing that Mos Def asks Bruce Willis in the movie.

You're driving in a hurricane and you see 3 people at a bus stop. One is an old lady who is sick and she's going to die, the other is your best friend, and the last is the girl of your dreams. You only have room for one other person in the car, who do you pick up?

Apparently your answer is supposed to say something about what kind of mindset you are in.

The right answer is supposed to be, according to the movie, that you put your best friend and the old lady in the car and stay with the girl of your dreams.

Not my answer.

I would drive by. Fuck making choices like that. What's that say about my mindset?

I take AIM too seriously

2006-03-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

I just had a funny conversation with Mols, via IM, about having important conversations over IM. She tries not to. I rarely do anymore. There's nothing like someone pouring out their soul over the intraweb and getting the responce of, "Gotta poop. brb." So these types of conversations are much better suited for more traditional means of communication: letters, the telephone, fax, perhaps even telelgram. But my point was I only get frustrated when you ask an important question, you know the person is there, and they take forever to answer. Taunting you with that "So-and-so is typing..." message letting you know they have placed the cursor into the reply box and are mulling over what to write.

Wanting to go over the top with my example:

static: where's my hemoglobin?

and then getting no answer.

Obviously this sort of situation would not happen very often but you get my drift. It's one thing to ignore someone's random comments like, "LOL. Some guy just farted." or "What are you wearing?" But when someone is asking you for a tissue or the bathroom keys or to borrow your portable difribulator or what have you it's just common courtesy to answer them promptly.

It only takes a few seconds to say, "No," people.

where seconds pass slowly and years go flying by

2006-03-31T13:42:00.000-08:00

It hit me today.

I no longer enjoy coming into work. I used to be all happy about working at Nickelodeon. Getting to make kids cartoons. But I kind of loathe getting out of bed and coming here nowadays. Now before you get mad, it's not the work I dislike. I still enjoy doing FX and 3D. The work itself is fine. It's the work environment that I don't enjoy.

I sit in a room with 2 guys I don't talk to above casual conversation from time to time. All my friends at the studio are very busy so I rarely have lunch plans or anyone to chat with if I am bored. My courtyard lunches of bananas have gone from relaxing and enjoyable to lonely in about a week.

When I do get bored I find myself wandering around looking for somoene I know with their door open. Not finding one I just wander back into my office and sit around.

There's the looming threat of layoffs and more cancellations overhead coupled with the few people I was friends with that I can no longer talk to. All in all, just not a very fun environment for me right now.

I actually pray we'll get super busy again so I can just work from punch in to punch out and not have to worry about what's going on outside my office.

After last fall I never thought I would ever say such a thing.

8 sad semesters, it was only a hundred grand

2006-03-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

I was talking to HollywoodPhony about college tonight. I forget exactly how we got on the subject but we were basically comparing our respective school's faculties. Not like tracks and libraries and bullshit like that. No. We were comparing the game rooms.

He won out. His air hockey table and pool table trumped my fooseball table in the Homer Lounge.

No, that wasn't a Simpsons reference. One of our buildings was called Homer.

Eric made a comment about his college having a better game room because it cost a hundred grand. Normally I would agree. However, RISD cost a hundred grand as well. No fucking game room. Shit, for a hundred grand I should have at least gotten laid.

Oh wait.

You were under the assumption that all art schools are hotbeds of debauchery and loose ethics?

I don't know about the West Coast art schools but RISD couldn't have been farther from that if someone wrote a bad movie about it. I'd wager a guess that sticking an art school with 200 years of quasi-Ivy League pedigree in the middle of Puritan Land probably had something to do with the non-loose nature of Rhode Island School of Design.

Don't get me wrong it was really fun to smoke spliffs underneath the statue of John Williams pointing out over the bay; announcing that this is the place where those cast out of the Massachusetts Bay Colony could truly create a city on a hill that would shine it's light over the world. But I'd trade all those stupid nights for some crazier chicks.

People seem to have this idea that art school is all naked chicks and orgies. Not at all. The only time I saw consistent naked chicks was in our figure drawing classes and, save one or two, they were not nice to look at. The only time I saw anything remotely scandalous was when a couple younger girls wore body paint to one of the dances. Big whoop.

My friend DanTheRepoMan went to podunk University of Rhode Island in Narragansett and had a list of chicks he could hook up with on weekends. And Dan was not a great looking nor suave guy. Now, don't get me wrong, I had no aspirations of being any kind of booty call player in 1998. I just wanted to release some of my young man energy; if you get my drift.

One time Dan came up to a party at TallCowboy's place. Now I love parties at TallCowboy's for the very specific reason that he lived right across the street from me. Uphill. So all I had to do when I was drunk and ready to go home and sleep was let myself stumble downhill until my face hit the pink door of my building (don't ask), insert key and sleep.

Back to the story at hand.

Dan came out for a party with 2 girls from URI. One tall blonde girl that TallCowboy hooked up with using some lame line like, "I'll give you a backrub if you come up to my room." And one brunette that Dan proceeded to make out with on the couch all night. It was wierd to see how uncomfortable everyone at the party was that there was someone sucking face on a couch in the same room. People were pointing and looking and giving wierd looks. I'd say that maybe they had cause if we were all at Ryan's because someone died or to eat slamon cakes or something.

We weren't. It was a fucking party!

It's dark. We're all drinking shitty keg beer. I am probably trying to come up with small talk to try and chat up some chick from one of my classes or searching out someone with a spare cigarette. You can barely see everyone anyway. There's tons of people talking with the opposite sex.

and

WE GO TO FUCKING ART SCHOOL!!

We're supposed to buck the system daily. We spend copius amounts of time staring at naked people charcoal or brush in hand. We discuss the relevance of porn in art as a means of shocking people in our liberal arts classes.

and

PEOPLE ARE GETTING WIERDED OUT THAT SOMEONE IS KISSING SOMEONE ELSE?

Dan wasn't fingering her. She wasn't taking off his pants. No one was topless. They weren't "making babies." Just two people kissing. No big deal. Yet it freaked out a very good deal of people at the party. To the point where Dan actually looked up, stopped, and I think got up and left.

Got up and left a party. If you knew Dan you'd know how big of a deal that is.

Of course I was drunk and this was like 7 years ago. So maybe he stayed and banged her on the couch. I could be wrong.

this is the easter of your skin, son, this is the making of your tongue

2006-03-30T20:15:00.000-08:00

I decided to go through and organize my emails, texts, and phone messages tonight. I had a lot of saved junk from a long time ago that I no longer need. So I went through and deleted anything old and extraneous.

I decided to read through some older emails from a while back. You know the kind. Where you start reading them with a smile and you eventually fade into a frown? Well, that was what happened. But it did get me thinking about a lot of the bad choices I have made over the past 6 months.

So in some kind of Easter tradition, I dispatched messages of appology to a few people I felt like my actions had wronged and few to people who have helped me a lot. I think that they will probably think I am an idiot for doing so but it's something I felt like I needed to do in order to move forward. I am in no way asking anyone for anything, expecting anything, or even saying that I an totally to blame in any situation.

I am simply appologizing without anything further attached to that appology. For the first time in a while. I don't expect it to mean anything other than what it means to me to do it.

With that I will leave you with a few song quotes that have been stuck in my head tonight:

"We were like a lullaby.
You hit like a hammer now.
You used to lean into me,
now you stand away.
Those wheels just push right by now
just a few feet from my life.
If I lean into them
will I see you in hell?"
-See You In Hell, Small Brown Bike

"We don't talk
and we don't call
in this manufactured war.
Where I can't even
aim with my eyes."
-Unsung Zero, Small Brown Bike

"Do you never rest?
Fighting the battle of who could care less?
Honor not happiness.
Well, that's alright I guess."
-Battle of Who Could Care Less, Ben Folds Five

Veronica Mars stole my idea!!

2006-03-30T11:02:00.000-08:00

Last night's episode of the awesome V. Mars had a scene in which a character's girlfriend gives him a "Get Out Of Jail Free" cake wherein the top of the cake looks like the Monopoly card. Suspending the knowledge that the show was most likely shot over the summer, I am outraged!

Who came up with idea to have a Get Out Of Jail Free party to celebrate not going to jail? Who made invite cards that look like the Chance Monopoly cards? Huh? Huh!? WHO!!??

Me! That's right.

The thing is a lady in my DUI class is one of Joel Silver's assistants and she saw my invite cards a couple weeks ago. I can only assume that she ran back to the Warner lot and told Joel about it and they quickly went out and did some reshoots and added it into the show last minute. It seems like the only rational explanation I can think of. I mean, who else would be creative enough to think of suing a card from the most popular board game in history where an iron can be a landlord in Depression-era NYC?

No one but me!

The only way this will be remedied is if Kristen Bell goes out on a date with me. And she has to act like she is enjoying herself. Which shouldn't be hard because I am a fucking great date and she's an actress so she can fill in the gaps.

Until that day comes, I declare vendetta on Joel Silver and all those that workd for him.

Perhaps even V for Vendetta?

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots

2006-03-29T17:39:00.000-08:00

So, I've lost like 13 lbs. I am down to 165 from a svelte (ha!) 178 a few months ago. I actually may way less as my old bathroom scale is pretty beat and is probably inaccurate. I remember weighing myself one day and then using CandyGirl's digital scale a few days later and seeing a 4 lb difference. Though my heft probably broke her scale as it is used to tiny girly masses upon it.

The weight loss can be attributed to several factors; some within my control and some random ones without. I have been riding my bike to and from work, as I have mentioned a few times, and that adds 40 minutes of light cardio onto my normal jogging and weight lifting routine. I have been drinking this Chinese weight loss tea recomended by my mom. I believe she heard about it on Oprah. I have no real scientific basis that the stuff actually helps but I do like drinking tea and I am pretty sure tea-flavored water is not hindering my weight loss goals.

Beyond exercise and fruity herbal remedies, I just have not been eating much at all lately. I have this reasonable amount of personal stress due to some falling outs with a few friends that I carry around with me wherever I go. I have been known, lately, to simply eat some grapes in the morning and a banana at lunch. Go home and work out.

That may seem normal for someone on a diet but keep in mind I used to have a fairly large appetite for my size. I do not live in the realm of big overweight guys with glandular problems nor am I a skinny lanky dude like Quellish or TeaCake who can gobble down 2 full meals like nobody's business. I just used to overeat. ALL THE TIME.

I had been known for going out ot lunch and just ordering way too much food. Packing dollar menu items onto my value meals and adding spring rolls with my beef and brocolli. Just buying too much food basing it solely on my seeming hunger level and then cramming it all down even when I was stuffed because I feel bad about throwing out food.

In a small sense I had some kind of normal guy eating disorder.

Lately though I will feel hungry but then when the opportunity presents itself for me to eat I simply decide not to. It's as if my body hungers for something...I don't know...intangible?

I have been carrying around a fair amount of guilt, anger, frustration, and sadness the last few months that shows little to no signs of letting up. I have been able to will it out of my personal life; instead opting to have fun with people who truly want me around and would like to (and in some cases enjoy) talking to me and sharing our personal lives. The hunger thing I guess would be the easiest part to deal with. I haven't been sleeping a lot. Staying up later and later in an effort to sleep through until my alarm. Usually though, I toss and turn for a few hours until finally falling asleep. I sleep deeply without dreams and usually wake up again at somewhere around 6 am and then toss and turn until my alarm sounds at 8. Equally about 4 hours of sleep a night though with my sleep schedule lately much less.

I am guessing the lack of appetite carries over from all that. It's great that I will be thin when I come out of all this nonsense. I can start going to the gym when I get my license back in April and get into better shape on top of my weight loss. All in all that seems like a fairly good future to look forward to.

Though, if I did have use of a time machine, I'd rather go back in time to the fall and fix all this. No friend mistakes, no personal misteps, no drunk driving.

I guess I'm saying I'd rather be fat and happy.

Though, in LA, maybe skinniness will someday equate happiness? That's what everyone seems to be telling us.

The long and short of my pencil

2006-03-29T09:33:00.000-08:00

I've gotten back to doing drawings for my friends for their birthdays. Partly because it seems a whole lot more personal than something like a Best Buy gift card and partly because I really need to continue saving money.

Regardless of the reasons, it's been really nice to draw again. I haven't done so in probably 6-8 months. Pretty much ever since me and ResidentEvil stopped doing Machine Room comics after we both got promoted.

Well, that's not true. Sometimes when me and my friends hang out after a night out I will whip out a pencil and pad and knock up some quick boner drawings or something to make the girls giggle.

But I haven't finished anything of merit in quite a long time. So it felt really good to get some stuff done last night. Made me feel like my chops haven't completely abadoned me and that I can draw at my desk without the need of my drafting table; which now resides in my storage space.

Ahh...here's to good choices, folks. Raise 'em high!

Get Out of Jail Free Party

2006-03-27T13:27:00.000-08:00

I invited a lot of people out on Saturday to celebrate the end of my DUI enforcement. In my mind I thought maybe 5 people would come and it would be lame. But my friends showed me up good. Like 30 people came out and I had a fucking great time.

So thanks to everybody especially the ones who gave me rides and bought me drinks. It was great to see Todd and BigRig come out and all the other folks I haven't hung with in a long time. I wished I could have spent all night talking to everyone but I am sure I missed a couple people. You guys know where I am if you wanna punch me in the face for it.

Ha.

For anyone who reads this you know how much it means to a self-described asshole like me to have 30 people come out and let me know that they care that I am not in jail. I got drinks for all of you next time I see ya. And free rides for the few who have obliged me as soon as I get my license back.

Donezo

2006-03-22T15:49:00.000-08:00

I am done with my state mandated DUI stuff and I have entered my last entry in my DUI blog. So read it if you want and impart some of my hard earned wisdom.

Or just laugh at it.

And I ride...

2006-03-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

I picked up The Young Riders Season 1 on DVD at Best Buy today. Man, this was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid. If ya'll don't know it's about Pony Express riders and features a fictional grouping of young men including Wild Bill Hickock and Buffalo Bill Cody (played by Josh Brolin and Stephen Baldwin respectively) and has a lot of weekly gun fights.

I am super psyched to watch it again.

I've been swinging around at nothin'

2006-03-20T23:20:00.000-08:00

Maybe most folks won't understand what I'm talking about here.

You ever get that feeling like all you actions are null and void? Like everything you think makes a difference in reality is totally ignored by those aroud you? Maybe it's because I am remorseful and have been drinking. Maybe I don't see any reason to continue the path that is before me.

I was sitting at a karaoke bar tonight and staring at the bad fake oriental rug and realizing that maybe every action that seems grandiose in my head is just ignored by whoever I chose to target it towards.

Maybe I should just stop. Maybe I should just go back to not caring.

Maybe I should just shut up and go to bed.

That last part sounds like a better idea.

A break in standard programming

2006-03-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

I normally try not to get into any topics on here beyond things that relate to my life. But this issue is something that I believe effects anyone who has any presence of the web wherein they relate opnions about people, places, or things. I do all three and am a member of several online forums. Therefore the issue at hand is a big deal for me. So excuse me while I get a little serious:

The issue at hand is that a man named Anthony Dimeo, whom I know little about save rumor, is suing Tucker Max about alledged libelous comments made about him on Tucker's web forums. The main problem is that the comments made are not libelous but more personal opinion nor were made by Tucker himself. Though Dimeo is suing Max directly for punitive damages. This may have grave consequences to anyone who runs or owns an online forums should Dimeo's case be upheld.

Instead of listening to me ramble off the facts. You can read Tucker's repsonse on his blog here.
And a bit more astute take on the case here.

Now to be fair, I must add that I am a big fan of Tucker Max. Obviously, since I am shwoing that I frequent his website. I find him to be a writer and personality that I most enjoy as a bit of a well meaning asshole myself.

But, this case has more meaning to me beyond just wanting to protect someone I like from monetary loss. I am a big fan of internet self expression, I am obviously a blogger myself, and a huge fan of posting in online forums and sharing ideas with people all over the world. In my opinion there is a large part of freedom of expression on the internet at stake here. Not to mention it could be the death of any kind of global opnion sharing that is the best thing the internet has going for it.

Beyond porn.

In the sun I feel as one

2006-03-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

I sat out in the courtyard and soaked up some sun at lunch today. Ate a not-nearly ripe banana, read the opening to "The Animator's Survival Kit" by Richard Williams and listened to Mogwai's newest album. Pretty good lunch I must say. I will have to do similar more often.

Funny name v. whatever

2006-03-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

This guy's name is Semen Sememov. No fucking shit. Check out his website:

Semenov!!

Buy a house, make it a home

2006-03-19T22:39:00.000-08:00

I got all this new furniture for my apartment recently. Pretty much changing my entire bedroom and living room in the course of a couple weeks. I feel sort of wierd now in my own apartment. New couch and new living room furniture. New swanky bed. Makes me feel like I am staying at someone else's place. Especially the bed. I went kind of all-out and got all these pillows and sham covers and down comforter and duvet cover. The bed is all soft and warm and nice. Makes me feel like I am staying at my parent's house or something.

Oh, well I'll get used to it. At least it's comfortable.

I crave meat!

2006-03-19T13:32:00.000-08:00

Man, I really want to eat a steak tonite for dinner. Hopefully I can find someone willing to get one with me because eating a steak, alone, in my apartment seems a little less satisfying.

Another college drunken story involving Heartbreaker

2006-03-18T23:02:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago someone asked me about my chipped front teeth. It's not a crazy chip like Brad Pitt in Fight CLub or anything. But if you pay any attention to my smile you can see that my front teeth are chipped on the bottom; specifically my left front. The story involved with it is both funny and stupid all at the same time.

I was at this party my Junior year in college. Actually it was a party that I would , about a half hour later, get forcefully kicked out of. But that is another story. I was sitting in the kitchen stealing beers out of the fridge with a few other people. I had just opened a beer using the time tested lighter trick (wherein one uses a standard Bic lighter and applies force to the cap of the beer using your index finger as leverage--standard physics) and my friend Heartbreaker asked me to open her beer in the same manner. I gleefully obliged having a crush on her at the time.

Fidning nowhere to rest my newly opened beer I stupidly decided to hold it in my teeth while I opened hers. I had not thought of the force I would be applying and how much I would be gritting my teeth on a substance as hard as glass. Regardless I opened here beer amd handed it to her as her current boyfriend walked up behind her.

Now I don't like this dude. For more obvious reasons, but also because I felt him to be a douchebag and he had a white boy afro which always bothers me. He walked up and Heartbreaker introduced us, "Hey, this is Chris the guy who said he didn't like you." She then laughed and I tried to salvage my reputation by adding, "I think I said that when I was real drunk."

To which he answered, "I think you said that more than once."

Damage done I left the room. Later was kicked out of the party by a man willing to take off his shirt to prove his manliness; a feat I could not compete with. Went home. Fell asleep and woke up the next day wondering why the front of my tongue was so sore and numb. Looked in the mirror and realized that the pressure I had applied to the beer bottle had chipped the front of my teeth.

Oh well, at least I didn't fall down a flight of stairs or anything.

fuck yo couch pt. 4

2006-03-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

Salvation Army is too good for my old couch, apparently. And my bed.

More like Jerkvation Army.

fuck yo couch pt. 3

2006-03-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

The guys who Ikea contracts for deliveries showed up nice and early this morning. Thatw as great for me as I got up at 8 to wait for them. Bad news was they couldn't figure out how to get it into the apartment because they're idiots.

Really. They have to be idiots. I mean their job is to move furniture into people's houses and they can't do that right?

They said it can't be brought in the front door and refused to remove the millions of feet of plastic and cardboard that wrapped the couch to make it smaller. I pleaded with them. Told them that our old couch was much larger and we got that in. They owuld hear none of my rantings and refused to bring i tup the back steps.

I signed for it and had them leave it in my covered parking space and waited for TheRoomie to get back from his night of couching it up after V For Vendetta at midnight.

He arrived full of breakfast burrito power and we got that couch in that fucking apartment! We forced it...nay! manhandled it into that godamn door and into our living room! Then we stood around panting and talking about how much our back hurt LIKE MEN!

Godamn it!

Take that IKEA!

fuck yo couch pt. 2

2006-03-16T20:46:00.000-08:00

So I have no couch and I am standing in my living room kinda wondering what to do. Man, tactical error on my part.

fuck yo couch

2006-03-16T17:22:00.000-08:00

So I finally choked em up and bought a new couch.

So today, during lunch, me and TheRoomie heaved that pile of crap we used to call our couch, wedged it through our broken front door, and left it on the curb for Salvation Army to take.

It was fairly cathartic and not at all painful to see that thing go. Normally I would try to do soemthing funny like post a pic and pretend like I was sad and weeping. But I'm not gonna do that because, honestly, I am glad to see that crappy couch go. It always lent too much college-bachelor mess to our apartment for my tastes.

RIPieces.

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live...

2006-03-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

So I bought a girl a drink at Bigfoot Lounge the other night.

Ballsy I know.

I went to my buddy Tom's show and I had drank a lot earlier in the night and had a poor time in rainy ass Hollywood bars drinking Maker's and was much happier to be in Los Feliz where drinks don't cost eight hundred dollars.

So I saw a girl who seemed to be really enjoying herself and looked kinda cute. When the waitress came by I ordered myself an Amstel and this girl a Sam Adams; as I could see she was drinking that. The waitress brought the drinks and the girl got really excited and came over to talk with me.

I knew after I'd say, maybe, 30 seconds that I had made a error in judgement. What I had gleened was a girl having a good time turned out to be a girl with far more annoying enthusiasm and energy than I care to put up with. She was anice, sweet girl but not really my type. When you can't stop skanking while talking to someone who is clearly sitting down and relaxing then you have much more verve than Chris Evans cares to deal with.

Some of my friends who are clueless thought I was going to try and take her home. The ones with clues could see from my body language that I was not happy with the situation. Eventually she went back to her friends and me and mine headed next door to The Roost. No harm done.

The best part?

She got really excited that I worked at Nick. She also loves Star Wars and Simpsons. How could I resist you may ask. I'll explain with a direct quote:

"There's 3 things I love: God, Simpsons, and Star Wars."

I agree with two.

Go back to Russia...

2006-03-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

So, as you know, I ride my bike to work. It's gotten me inot a middling value of endurance and my ride is very easy after a few months. Lost weight too.

I ride straight down Olive to Nickelodeon. The ride lasts maybe 20 minutes. It would be much less if I didn't have to cross 4 major intersections. So I spend maybe half the ride waiting on lights; waiting for that little white man to appear. I love that little guy! He lets me cross the street.

I have gotten into the habit of staring into people's cars as the turn right. It's sort of like staring out a bus window and day dreaming. I see some funyy stuff.

Today I saw a girl, driving a white Saturn, dressed in varying shades of pink and purple smoking a pink cigarette. I don't know where she got it but man, that's some fucking color coordination right there!

I wear a lot of black but I have never gone as far as to buy black cigarettes to appear more badass. But now that I know that I could? Do I dare take a step that far?

Hiiiiilarious

2006-02-23T15:33:00.000-08:00

So I bought the Arrested Development DVDs today and I love them. They are incredibly funny. And, before anyone starts in on me, I know I am way behind on the bandwagon for this show. I never saw it on TV because I don't really watch anything regularly save Lost. Since the DVDs came out I think I had a notion in my head that this was one of those comedy elite type shows. I don't normally find those things funny so I always strayed away. But my roomate was watching a few episodes this weekend and as soon as I saw Will Arnet spit out cereal when David Cross walks in the room naked I was hooked. Dropped my digital money into the Best Buy vault and I now sit at work laughing my ass off.

On the inside.

I don't want my co-workers to think I'm that crazy.

inevitable

2006-02-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

Well, it finally happened. I was hit by a car today. Yep, actually struck by a moving vehicle. Calm down guys. I'm fine. It was a very low speed collision and it mainly hit the rear 1/4 of my bike. But she did hit my leg and my knee is a bit stiff. My bike's fine as well.

It can only go down from here I guess. Next time I'll have to fly off my bike and throw the very air in order to garner any sympathy.

so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick

2006-02-11T16:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I caught this thing going around work. This sickness that fastens itself to your very soul for months on end. Looking back I realized I have been sick and generally fatigued since way back on New Year's. It seemed to be separate sicknesses. But in reality, based off inormation from co-workers, I have surmised it is one big sick. Just ebbing and flowing through the last month and a half of my life.

Finally

2006-02-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the Simpsons Season 6 DVDs, I have finally found the quote about drinkers that I am always quoting wrong:

"Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast."

I always liked it because it summed up the stages of my drunkedness.